20 years ago...

I Do

...I married the love of my life and we only had our future to look forward to. It was a small, simple wedding in a church gymnasium (don't ask how we wound up here) surrounded by family and friends. And it is totally obvious by the pictures that the eighties styles had continued to hang around awhile. We said our I Do's and then headed to one of the most fun receptions that I have ever been to.

Cutting the cake before it totally melted and collapsed

A Mexican fiesta on a nice hot California day

We had a  Mexican buffet and dance in my grandma Squires backyard. Some local kid did our music. Family helped with the food. We had a fantastic money dance...not sure if people really have those at weddings or not any longer. Grandma was a bit tipsy and did the Mexican hat dance with my best friends brother. I am so happy that even when life happens...that happy memories can still remain.

Check Nate out in the Star Telegram

Nathan hard at work

Nathan is working this summer at the Grapevine Farmers Market thanks to a friend. This is kind of funny for those who know him....as he has a fear of fruits and vegetables and has yet to try any in his life. Not that I haven't tried for years (but that is another story). Anyways, this past Saturday, Nathan came home and told us that he was interviewed by a local reporter. We thought that he might be in their community paper. Little did we expect to get a text from his grandma this morning alerting us that he was on the front page of the Fort Worth Star Telegram. Pretty cool....and his picture looks good too for being as hot as it has been.

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A Quote and deep personal thought

"Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in,
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day,
you shall begin it well and serenely..."~Ralph Waldo Emerson~


I saw this quote on another blog that I follow and felt impressed to read it and reread it. These are words that I should really learn and think each day that I awake. These days not too much can surprise me or shock me or make me cry....only in my dreams. Life as I knew it is being pulled out right from under my feet.


My days are filled with constant turmoil right now. I am lost, as everything that I thought I had....once had....or believed that I had....I do not have any longer. The changes that have occurred right before my blind eyes and the changes that soon awaits is almost too paralyzing.

I have strived to be the best person, wife and mother that I could be. I have awoke each day with the goal to be the best example to those that I come in contact with. I am human though and have had some bad days. Overall, I feel that I have done the best that situations have sometime allowed.

I believe that my God wants me (us) to be happy and live a fulfilled life. However, I am struggling with many revelations that have presented themselves to me. I am having a difficult time letting go of the What Ifs and Should Haves. Because in the end....maybe the one thing that my son revealed to me this evening still would have been the same. And this could be said for the other trials that I am currently struggling with. I just don't know.

So as I end this day...I hope in this tired mind of mine...that all or at least part of Ralph Waldo Emerson's quote will stick and help me to see that I alone can not control the actions and choices others shall make....no matter how much I wish that I could.

A Birthday Weekend

FRIDAY

I had Nathan to myself for the first part of the day on his birthday. We started the morning off by going to breakfast at Our Place where Nathan enjoyed a chocolate chip waffle in the shape of Texas. We then went to the movies and watched the Green Lantern....which for all the comic book movies was just okay. I then attempted to get him some slip on Vans and none of the local stores had any (will have to get these another day). 

We attempted a self portrait...not so well

In the evening, Nathan and the gang hung out at the house eating Costco pizza and a five layer chocolate cake. Yes...they sang happy birthday to him too.

They then spent a few hours playing Dungeons and Dragons.

SUNDAY

After missing this musical the past three years...we went to the matinee of Monty Pythons Spamalot. Nathan did like this musical, but informed me that he like Avenue Q better....{YUCK}. I found the musical to be very entertaining. And I keep thinking of the lyrics "Always look on the bright side of life" and how profound those words really are. 

Why or why is it so hard to smile at times?

Afterwards, we enjoyed dinner at Salt Grass Steakhouse for this carnivore. This was actually Nathans choice for dinner even if the picture doesn't give him justice. I would say that he was one spoiled kid this weekend. And really...all eighteen means is that he can now legally vote...move out...and well...is on his way to being a full fledged adult.

18 years ago today

Eighteen years ago today, I gave birth to a wonderful little baby boy. I remember how happy I was to find out that we were expecting....and after nine months of a somewhat hard pregnancy to hold him in my arms. How beautiful my little Nathaniel J. was. 

Oh the lessons that I would soon learn. The life experiences that were gained and lost all over this period of time.

Little did I know back then that Nathan would be my one and only. The things that I would have done differently. I am guessing that is why we don't know what the future holds. 

For most of this young mans life, I struggled with the demon of trying to expand our family. Focusing on this and probably missing many little things. Not realizing that for a span....we didn't even have a camera. The years of juggling motherhood and a job....and then later school in this mix. 

My joys and regrets were so ingrained in me, that I spent as much time with him and his activities the past 4-5 years, that I am now feeling lost. Very reflective. Often full of What Ifs. Hoping that as Nathaniel grows older, he will later understand everything that I did....forgive me for my flaws...and most importantly know the love that I have for him.

Happy 18th birthday my son!

Nate the Graduate

Graduation came and went...then a few days later I realized that I did not have a single picture of Nathaniel alone in his cap and gown. I did not worry initially, as I decided that I would buy and overpriced school one from the ceremony. Then I saw the proofs.....not that good (all of my friends have said the same about theirs).  So kindly, Nathan agreed to put on all of the garb again last night so his mommy could get her picture. With the reminder that this would be the last time until his next graduation.

Gotta love when the kid has an extra sweet moment!

Pity Party

Today life is feeling a bit stinky. It is showing me that the next couple of months will bring about change. A change or two that was definitely not a part of my life plan. But then again....most of my adulthood has not gone as my younger self had planned. I am missing my son (and he is only on vacation right now), I am bored and have left myself in a position of not quite knowing where or how to take my life.....SIGH. 

It's official...he graduated

Procession into the convention center

Today was the big day for Central High School's class of 2011. It was definitely bittersweet as the day lead  up to the graduation ceremony. Since our grad time was 6pm, we had a luncheon with family and friends and then dessert to end the day.

wanting me to snap the picture so we could enjoy the Mexican feast

mom and I made cake balls for dessert

Nathaniel crossing the stage

Had to kick off the shoes after a long day

Matt, Isaac, Mark and Nate in the back
...well...being themselves
Nathaniel worked pretty hard in his high school years. He earned the gold stole for participating in the  Distinguished Achievement Program (DAP), red/gold cord for varsity sports and a metal for being a Advancement Placement Scholar. DAP and the Scholar program required quite a bit of extra classes, language and excelling on tests. However, his laziness/procrastination at times, kept him from being in the top 10 percent...as he wound up 7 slots away....bummer. I am not disappointed though. Nathaniel is my pride and joy!

It was a fun day and the high school years have been quite the experience with Nathan and his group of friends. They participated in the festivities...humored me with a few pictures to finish off the photo albums that I made each of them....and then they were off to "the Arcade" for what this group of guys do best....computer/video gaming.