December in a nutshell

well my pictures uploaded from christmas day to the start of the month. oh well the story is all the same.

the family portrait of everyone in seattle taken via the web cam. it was great, they watched us (mostly the kids) open gifts. at some point, we ended up playing some sort of game with them.

i can not leave out a good early picture of steve on christmas morning. i have to admit that i forgot to get a family picture of us on this dayme, nate and thumper were all full of smiles as santa was good to us! i am also happy to say that nate loved the hat i bought for him!

a few of the charger swimmers that showed up to the holiday party. they were playing a gift exchange game that involved moving the gifts different ways depending on the words in the story....all i can say is hysterical watching teenagers.

Nate convinced me to take him out of school to go see the tv show extreme makeover being filmed. it was supposed to be the "move that bus" episode. after the filming kept getting delayed....mom pooped out (too frozen) i was off back to the warm car. well it was not too much longer that nate followed as he said the taping was to be delayed even longer. oh well, we don't watch the show anyways.

My family

I have not made a post in quite awhile. So I just thought I would post my six month late anniversary and early Christmas gift....an updated family photo. We had waited a couple of years thinking that we would have another addition to the family. well...life does not always go as planned, so let me enjoy what appears to be a fine looking family for a least the photo shoot.

Life has been turbulent the last month...my mood has been very sad....an attitude adjustment was definitely in order. besides personal trials, my sweet son has opened our eyes (especially mine) to a life of realizing teens (even good ones) can be defiant and not always make the best of decisions. i am learning to do two things....fight what you absolutely can't give up and compromise on the rest. thank goodness i have spoke with some other moms and have come to see that this is also the age. none the less...i love nate with all my heart. the joy he brings to me can not really be put into words.

As Christmas is fast approaching, I wish everyone joy in the season and calmness in their hearts. I look forward to blogging about the wadkins Christmas and reading about all of my friends.

Things I've Done

I this on Aurora's site from Sunny Side Up. Thought it was pretty neat so I copied her and decided to show mine is in bold :)
1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3.Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child (have attempted w/o success)
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables (with mild success...)
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie (does it count if it was at universal studios)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

change is in the air

Yes, it is true....i have changed the name of my blog. Tonight it sounds like a good title, but i reserve the right to change it again. I am searching for something fitting. a few ideas have popped into my head....but being the indecisive person that i am lead me to contemplating this more than the normal person might.

UPDATE!!!
Friday mrs k left our nest to go back into the big bad world that many of us will never experience. mrs k (being the fourth child that we have let go), was a far different experience than the babies. she had woke up grumpy and determined not to follow any rules. she refused to get dressed. attempted to beat me up and tried to hold baby axel hostage. my conclusion: k did not want to leave. it was heart breaking to see her drive away. i hope her past few days have been nice....but to those who know the story deeper...can only hope her mom will mess up again soon so that way k can have a chance at a better life.

I've been picked

Jen over at The Stewart Stuff picked me to tell 7 random things about myself. Here it goes:

1. My dream car is a SAAB convertible. although, i do not know if i could really spend that kind of money on a car.

2. I once marched in the Hollywood Christmas Parade.

3. I love sleeping with the windows open when its windy or rainy (my guys hate it)

4. One of my very first concerts was Madonna on her Virgin Tour

5. I now take my son to rock concerts

6. My favorite young adult job was lifeguarding and teaching swim lessons

(although, my sister and i also worked in a convenience store)

7. I am contemplating buying a pair of $100 jeans

I now pick:

Melissa

my mom Kim

and

Jodie (you've been picked twice)

please don't forget me

late this afternoon, i received a call saying that mrs k will probably be leaving us at the end of the week. i was told that it was against the will of her personal advocates. i was encouraged to tell mrs k the news. as we were driving to pick up nate i told her. to my surprise, she was not too happy and became teary eyed. k expressed to me, that although she wants to live with her mom, she was afraid of never seeing us again. she asked me to let her have visitation with us. not knowing how to answer that request, i put her on the phone with her advocate. all we can do is see what her mom and cps say. the rest of the evening was spent with k singing sad love songs that went something like this...."don't worry i'll come looking for you. please don't ever forget me". it breaks my heart.

in school suspension....really!

tonight nate broke the news to me that he has two days of in school suspension starting tomorrow. what led to this....donuts. last week, nate and three other swimmers walked across the street to the donut shop after morning swim. against the district rules...yes. but to his parents we say lame. however, rules are rules. coach had sent us an email stating that if it happened again consequences would occur. i guess coach mentioned this to the principle and well he said suspension this time. coach is regretting this as they have a big meet friday and now the boys can not practice after tomorrow. lets say coach is not happy now as she is big on never missing practice......and four good students will be missing classes. i wonder....were the donuts and the getting upset really worth it?

too much halloween excitement

Halloween was filled with a lot of chaos and excitement! it was quite an adventure seeing a group of teenage guys enjoying the night

(Lt 2 Rt)

Matt, Issac, Mark, Nathan and Trent

getting ready to leave for teen guy trouble

Damon did not join the family for the night. he was off with a friend

Oscar and Diego ready to trick and treat before the tired crankiness kicked in


hunter, mrs k., mary and the un-named doctor
at trunk-n-treat
later that night the teen girls went out to cause some good girl trouble


the aftermath of Halloween night the following morning!

halloween was almost a bit too busy for this mom this time around. trying to juggle one too many kids. the evening started off with nate having an orthodontist appt at 4pm that brought quite a bit of bad news....humhum...parents don't schedule appts like this on halloween. we rushed home to find out more kids were coming and i was not quite sure steve would make it home in time for trunk-n-treat. nate and i were trying to figure out who would be tied to the roof of the car. after trunk -n-treat it was a race home for nate to meet the guys at the house. so off went all the teens guys in one direction, girls in the other. taking the younger ones out in the neighborhood. off for free chipotles. back home to drop off kids at their houses and gathering the guys together for their trip to chipotles. These guys are all about free food! alll i can say is exhaustion hit at the end of a long evening.

not quite the planned halloween party

It started out as friends were coming to the planned party. nates parties are always a hit
hunter the candy corn fairy and mary the bumble bee
they came to take pictures
peyton the cute chef and bailey the cat
obviously on this night his only true friends as they showed up on time and brought pizza
matt, mark and issaac finally showed up an hour late (when the girls had to leave)
well, the next time nate has a party, he may want to make sure the band is in town
(as many of his invites are in band....and well the band was in odessa)

they wound up playing video games and out of costume...and all was ok since that is what these guys really like to do!

an addition to the house

miss k who is 9 came to live with us this past monday night. she came as a foster placement only and could leave us as early as next thursday or stay as long as jan. we are not sure yet. and having adoption as our goal, why we felt inspired to accept k is puzzling to me. her history is sad and the court system does not do these children any justice....strictly about family reunification no matter the price. sad!

miss k is overall a very happy girl who has seen far too much in her young life. i think she has some unofficial adhd going on. i awoke this morning sick physically and emotionally of what i committed too. she is not good at going to sleep and has been a huge struggle these first 2 nights. she has probably never had any routine or positive discipline. i found myself doubting my ability and patience. almost wanting to give up before we have even got started in a routine and our lives at this time.

when i awoke i found myself pleading with heavenly father on what i did and all of my feelings that i have had over the past year. i thought please take her now because i can not do this.... i was able to grab half a second with steve, concerned about when i go back to work (as that needs to be soon), saying how are you going to be able to do this bed time fight, getting her up and ready in the morning on top of all of his stuff. reply: i will just do it. whats the big deal. really he is right. breakfast is done, hair is combed and we are in the car and i think...that was not so bad. i am a complete emotional freak questioning what is meant to be or not. and then i think (and really know) that i am afraid of the attachment that i will form.

so as the day progresses, we will take it one hour at at time.

menopause the musical

all i can say is hysterical and that this play brought tears to our eyes!!! well worth every penny spent on tickets. next time it is in town.....don't hesitate to go :)

Happy Tuesday

Over the past month, i have came to really enjoy tuesday evenings. with steve at work and school until late, it leaves me to have time with nate. i am always a sucker too, as i cave to most of his wishes on this day. the scenario plays out something like this...

nate: whats for dinner?
me: i was thinking we should eat home and have chili dogs
nate: but it's taco tuesday night...cheap. well have chili dogs tomorrow before you go to work
me: (guilt that i have not cooked in far too long) we have no money
nate:come on...we'll do better the rest of the week
me:ok (caving in) as i know that when we go out to eat just mom and son...he divulges to me many things that may not have been said otherwise. after all, i know the nicknames to most of his friends and how cool is that.


oh heck i can rationalize forever...but after working the night before and sleeping most of the day, it is nice to get out and be enlightened by what my teenage son has to offer. at least, he provides a ray of sunshine to my life and to me that is priceless.

the first month of school

the first month of the school year has been an adventure already with discovering new classes and finding new routines. i would like to say that this should be easy...but not always for the wadkins family. i am so very proud of nathaniel and the many projects that he takes on. there is not one class that he has that i would consider easy...and some i can not even begin to think that i would be of help. as nate has started the 10th grade, he has three core classes being pre-ap, (we let the history scate as a regular class) after listening to what had to be endured last year by other parents and students. i must also say that nate starts his day off at 6am with the varsity swim team. yes, this year he is doing seminary at home....not an easy feat for mom and dad as we have to keep up on it. besides swimming, nathan has decided to take on student council this year. that comes with weekly meetings and having to fulfill one volunteer service project a month. we are also encouraging him to finish up his scouting and submit his idea for his eagle project. some days, i think this is quite a lot for a teenage boy who would rather hang with his buddies or play on his laptop. so with all the nagging that i have done about grades...i give my son a big kudos!

steve has also started back to school to earn his masters degree in public administration. i believe he is in overdrive at this time as he adjusts to a very demanding school program. he is again enrolled in UNT which has the 9th ranked MPA program in the nation. the amount of work assigned shows it...on top of this, his job with the state is under a complete over hall, and possibly not for the best.

as for me, well i am bored much of the time. i have a list of many projects to tackle with a few actually being accomplished already. i have finished the extra room in our house. i think it turned out quite nice...but i guess that is if you happen to like IKEA. i was able to assemble the

dresser and night stand in about 31/2 hours without any issues. the room is now only missing a duvet cover and a little one or two with a smile and personality to fill it. we are again licensed for foster care and hopefully will receive a perfect call soon. i have also stained the deck that my dad and nate built last year. steve says that i am just in the mode of wanting to work on my hearth and home. i hope nature and luck see it our way.

i have so much to say but the words do not seem to be flowing at this time. i guess i am in a mode of needing some kind of change. i am looking forward to fall and hopefully the weather cooling down. and who knows maybe some good karma to flow my way. i wish everyone a happy weekend!

Just for fun

Create your own family sticker graphic at pYzam.com

I saw this on while blog surfing and thought it would be fun. not quite our bodies or hair...who really cares.

hooray for new furniture

It is official.....visitors can come to the Wadkins home and now sit on furniture that is not broke, doesn't poke and is pretty comfortable!!! I would like to think somewhat stylish too. This has been a hard house journey as the room is not very big and odd shaped with the bar and fireplace. We had gone to Bassett for a custom couch only to have the price keep creeping up in cost each time they talked to us....thank goodness Staceys had some choices of custom to choose from. I think the otoman is a change in color and print to what we would have chose years ago....but i love it and it matches the living room and kitchen perfect.

another gripe about work but a safe place to say it

i had decided this week that i did not have too much going on and would try to get some extra moola to help pay for my extra purchases that have been made. must not be my week to do that as my staffing office has completely butchered my schedule all week. as a dedicated employee, i called early monday morning and signed up for 2 regular shifts and 1 on call shift ($$$). 1. i worked monday (no problem) 2. received a call tuesday asking if i could work this week 3. returned the call to find out that they took me off the schedule 4. got put back on the schedule

then driving to work tonight i called to find out the floor i would be working on...only to find out that yes i was scheduled but for two different shifts and was told to return home and not come back until 11. i was also informed that they had taken me off my call shift for tonight meaning no bonus. can i say that this is one irritated nurse!!! hopefully my scheduled on call for tomorrow as was again rescheduled since 6:30 tonight. if not...i guess they will be working one nurse short tomorrow....and my plan to pay off my new couch won't happen for another few weeks.

funny or me being too sensitive

while i was assessing a patients lung sounds last night, he decides to come at my hand in an attempt to bite me. yikes....he has hepatitis! this patient was not confused or officially mentally ill. i managed to keep my cool ( don't know how) and proceeded to ask him why he tried to bite me knowing that he has a noncurable disease. his reply....i was bored and thought it would be funny. call me crazy but i did not find it funny. tell me....what do you think?

update on an never ending saga

I am hesitant to let out my feelings on this subject of foster care...but then i remind myself that this is for whatever reason part of my journey in this life. We have again been approved to do foster care through a private agency. I want to be excited, but find myself really nervous at times. I am glad that we were approved, as i have had a hard time with the rejection that we have experienced. I often wonder how we could have been blessed with our son, who i think is smart, fun and a productive member in this world that we live in. i wonder why we have had such a long trial of trying to build our family.

We were just recently approved now with a certificate in hand. No calls have yet to come our way and the new wait begins. I have learned that that the child that is supposed to come to you will, at the right time...but the wait can be excruciating. At times i think that i am more than ready and then i get a pit in my stomach. I think who would want to do this all over again as the child we already have will leave his nest in a few short years....then i remember...i would do it all over again. No questions asked. I just need to step back into this adventure and hope the right
child(ren) will soon come and hopefully be here to stay.

I often try to keep busy to avoid this topic, as i have learned that this has been the weed that has infested my life. i try not to think of it as a punishment from the good lord above (i like to think that heavenly father wants me happy). However, i do not understand this trial, or why druggies can have babies or how some are never happy even after having enough to fill a huge house. in my most quiet of moments i mourn for the life that as a young woman i dreamed i would have. this is not to say that i am not happy most of the time. i have been blessed with many good things. But in those darkest of hours, i am left to question the what ifs and contemplate the many mistakes that have been made.

those who have had these struggles of infertility and adoption say that after the trial ends that all the questioning and worries go away. i sure hope that we have a beautiful ending and that all this time of worrying, questioning and wondering will go away.

exhausted from vacationing

Our awesome grandma
waiting for the 4-D movie at the aqaurium
Hunter and Aunt Chris

I never thought that i would say thank goodness summer has come to an end. I have never had the opportunity to travel like i did this summer.....i guess the perks of becoming an RN and working per diem. However, i must say that exhaustion from flying and driving has taken over and i am looking forward to the mundane parts of the school year for a while....that is once some sort of routine is found.

Last week, Hunter and I drove up to see our grandma and aunt chris in georgia. Nate had had it with vacation and opted to stay a few days with a friend instead. Steve was able to fly up for a short weekend getaway and drive home with us girls. While in Georgia, we again ate a lot of good grub (seems like all me trips revolved around food). We hung out with my cousins, met my uncles new wife and stepson. We had a BBQ and swim, along with visiting the aquarium (which was completely awesome). I know that this trip topped off hunters summer... visiting family, being spoiled and away from her brothers.

I enjoyed every destination hat was visited and every person or stop that added to my adventures. I do not know if a summer like this will happen again for a while...as i have learned i can only go with the flow of life. I will anxiously await any visitors that may come to texas and visit the wadkins home. Until then i say thank you to all who helped me keep busy and hit this point of tiredness!

Wadkins Look-alike Meter

MyHeritage: Look-alike Meter - Roots - Pedigree chart

Day 10-Pikes Place

The highlight of our shopping in Seattle and some of the best food for the trip! I love going to the market place and looking at all the fresh fruit /veggie stands and beautiful flowers. Steve and I could so get used to that. We had Ivar's for lunch....some of the best fish and chips ever. Unfortunately there was not much action at the fish market and no fish tossing for us to see :(

This day being a Sunday, the missionaries did not come with us and fulfilled their church duties. However, we were all lucky lucky enough to have mom could a great family meal!

Day 9- Seattle Center

Today we ventured into Seattle to see some of the sites. Steve had to return our rental car so we did that and then took the monorail to the seattle center to meet up with everyone. The highlight of the afternoon were the science fiction and the behind the music museums. were both pretty interesting as we like sci fi and music. We ended the day with what Jodie calls the only worthy Mexican eateries in her area for dinner and then just chilled for the night.

Day 8

today we took it easy. we slept in!!! then the day began....we went to visit elder and sister warrs first camp on their mission (they are being transferred on monday) the park was nice and the work they had done was great. we walked around, chatted and then ended the visit with all of us playing on the zip line. back to snowhomish (where jodie and george live). we had terayaki beef for lunch...which is one of the specialties in the area. we headed back to their house where we did nothing and it was great! today was georges 43rd birthday. steve and i ended the day just shopping with mom and dad.

Day 7-driving

not too exciting...just beautiful scenery. we had a long twelve hour drive out of California thru Oregon and into Washington for the last part of vacation in Seattle and more family.

Day 6- Yosemite

we had a short drive through coarsegold to the entrance and then a nerve racking drive thru twists and turns down to yosemite park. nathan and i could have done without that part.the day was hot but we decided to take one of the shorter hikes up to the bridge of vernal falls. it was less than a mile (but all up hill). talk about something that makes you realize how out of shape you are. the reward was beautiful when we made it. the walk down was far easier to me. the best part was dangling our feet in the river at the bottom. the scenery was beautiful and the water crisp. i would have loved to take a swim. back to the car we went for another nauseated drive out of the park....a quick bite to eat at carls jr and a few hour drive to sacramento for a short nights sleep.

Day 5- reunion with mom

Steve and Sue

Today was a four hour day of drive up north to Fresno and Coarsegold, Ca for a visit with Steve's mom Sue and sister Karyn. Steve has not had much of a relationship with his family in quite a long time and Nathan hardly knew his grandma Sue. We were all a bit nervous about how the visit would go. The reunion was a succcess and very enjoyable. Sue treated the gang to a good Italian dinner. The evening was spent getting caught up on each others lives, while Nathan and his cousin Tyler entertained themselves with a few hours of guitar hero.We took some pictures for the album. Sue made us a well needed breakfast the next morning and sent us towards our next destination with lots of snacks for the road. We hope to remain in contact more regularly and visit again soon :)

Day 4

Today we went to Huntington Beach. the beaches are completely different than here in texas. they actually have waves! nathan honed in on his body surfing skills. we all had a great time in the water...however, nathan was bored when we decided to take a nap. he also let us know how uncool it was for him to have to hang with his parents....oh well...(its not from lack of trying for years to give him a sibling).

Day 3- visiting relatives

Steve with his grandma

today we got our rental car and were on our own. we figured we would give Steve's dad some time to recoup. we went to visit Steve's grandma. he has not seen her since moving to Texas seven years ago. it was a nice reunion and he was able to get some get info on family history. we also visited the grave sites of his other grandparents. we drove through riverside and Rubidoux...i must have been traumatized going to a ghetto school because i could no longer locate where it was. i wanted to show Nathan how good he has it here in Texas....oh well, maybe next trip. we ended the day at a great BBQ restaurant that Larry treated us to.

Day 2- Disneyland

A group of tired big people at the end of the day

It had been a long time since i had been to disneyland without a little kid. the experience is just not quite the same...but needless to say four big people can have a great time! steve's dad had not been to see good old mickey in over 20 years. unfortunately, none of the characters were floating about on the day we went and the infamous small world was closed and under construction. the weather was not too hot and the crowds were on the smaller end. we were able to hit all the big rides and a few of the kiddie ones too. we ate great and played until larry and nathan were about to drop!

Vacation- day one in california

July 11, 2008

This was day one of our jammed packed summer vacation. Today was HOLLYWOOD day. We went to most of the trendy places to go....Manns Chinese Theatre, walk of fame, Egyptian theatre, a long walk up and down Hollywood blvd, and the world famous PINKS Hot Dogs (my verdict is still out on whether or not our 1hr wait to order was worth it). We ended the day driving up sunset blvd through Beverly hills down to the beach and home again.

fear in the wee hours of the night

I don't know what it is about the mind and the late night thoughts that intrude on relaxation. Or if it is just my fear of rejection one more time? It must have been the last week in may when I decided to take one more chance with foster care and attempting to hopefully have a success in completing our family. I knew we could not go back to the state as steves job somehow is a conflict of interest. I turned to Lutheran Social Services and after grilling the workers on if this would be possible to go through their agency and everything that we had already gone through...I decided to go for it one last time.



Luck was on our side with all the paperwork as they accepted most of our transferred file. All needed courses on parenthood could be completed on line....I felt like I could finally breathe. But now is when my nerves, fear of rejection and mind take over. We had our home study, Steve hit it off well and was in and out of there. Nathan in his interview said he was "indifferent" to the whole thing (after all CPS showed no respect for his feelings). Then it was my turn....i was questioned quite a bit about what had happened with CPS. No big deal one would say as we lost our license r/t employment and a letter saying we were in good standing. But then me being the emotional girl that i am decides to have tears in her eyes as she recalls the time with the sweet baby girls. Yikes! what if i said too much. What if i am veiwed as too emotional. Afterall, the one rule with foster care i learned was to pretend you don't really care. The caseworker reassured me on the way out that she understood my feelings and said not too worry about it and gave a timeline to follow.



A week went by and i spoke with the worker and apologized for my tears once again...and again she said not too worry that she liked to see that i am compassionate. I am however anxious to get that final approval letter to put my fears to ease. Unless you have dealt with this kind of trial (infertility, waiting too long to adopt through LDS and then being told that we could not do fc any longer) on attempting to build your family...one may not be able to comprehend my fear of the rejection that we have encountered.



I hope that heavenly father sees our attempts at creating a bigger family. The efforts and emotions the three of us (and many good friends) have experienced and blesses us with a happy end to this journey.

Married 17 years

on sunday we had our 17th anniversary. it feels entirely weird as i reflect and realize that i have been married the bulk of my adulthood. we did not do anything fancy, no going out to eat, no weekend trip, no gifts exchanged. in the past we have done at least one of the above mentioned. steve did say that he kind of forgot (regarding a gift), but i enlightened him that he had already promised that we could have a family picture taken soon (something both he and nathan are not thrilled about). and after the week we all had, everyone in different directions and steve driving to austin to bring me home...well that was enough for both of us this year.

i have to say that i really love steve and have moments in my life where we connect extra good. i have had a hard time the last couple of weeks in regards to going to church. i have good days and bad, but sometimes my life plans take over my emotions and l am left doing the woe is me. i had to leave church early sunday as this was one of those days. i could not stay any longer and look at all the beautiful children at church. i just fell into the mode of my life not being as planned. i am so grateful for the son that we do have...but it does not replace the longing and deep feeling that our family has never been completed. anyways, i came home with tears in my eyes as steve was surprised to see us so soon (he had to stay home for work). i briefly explained that i did not want to ruin the day by the one trial that has plagued our marriage. he new what i was talking about and took me in his arms and said well lets go make a baby then...i couldn't help but laugh since we both know it is not that simple. i made him take me shopping instead. i know...what sinners we are, but it distracted me for a bit.

steve and i have had plenty of good and more than our share of bad and rough patches together. we have grown up together and have helped each other grow. i am proud of the man he has become. steve cares deeply about his family and the community that he serves at work. i have learned many things from my husband as i believe he has learned a lot from me. we are opposites, but are able to balance each other out pretty well when we want. i continue to look forward to our lives together and the many adventures and (hopefully not too many more huge trials) to come. i just want to say that i love him deeply and that he is truly my best friend!

A week with the family all in different states

Nathaniel after a week of camping in Colorado. also another year older. He hit the big 15

Tim and Melissa in front of their new house

We are all back home for a crunch down before our big family vacation. The next week and a half will be busy recouping, working and packing for our trip to california and washington.

Last week, both nathan and I left steve for different destination. Nathan went to colorado for high adventure camp and I went to arizona to help melissa and tim westlake move into their new house. Nathan is full of stories to tell so if you should cross paths you might ask him. I was real nervous sending him this year as he made it known that he was not real thrilled. i though our huge money output would for sure be a waste with that kind of thinking. but the great thing about teenagers is that sometimes they need to be pushed and then they come home suprised themselves. the quick synapses of his week....fishing monday and eating the trout they caught. boring trip on the gondola to the top of mountain and back down to fish somemore. great mountain climbing on wed and suprising everyone that he did the best and on the expert mountain. thurs and friday were awesome with the rafting and taking level 5 rapids. chris colby has some great pictures and i will post some as soon as i can get some copies. Nathan turned 15 on tuesday june 24 while at camp. i was sad to not be with him on that day. we did a belated cake yesterday after church.

I arrived in hot, dry arizona on saturday also. we had a little drive through pheonix onto melissas home just outside of tuscon. tim cracked the whip pretty quick and had us moving which worked into sunday as well. it was hot and we would have rather played. my days feel like a blur at the moment as i arrived in AZ with a sorethroat and it progressed into a full blown summer cold. but our week went something like this. moving, painting her breakfast nook, living room and office ( with the main color still being iffy when i left). many trips to target, home depot, lowes and attempts at restaurants with this being an actual destination as nothing is really that close. ask melissa and she will confirm the time it takes. they live near a snowbird community and what is close typically closes early. they have adjusted well from what i can tell. our girl trip that we had hoped for was put on the back burner this year as plans changed. melissa and i have learned that this is just part of our lives. i had received a standby air ticket from her brother in law ( i am grateful for the ticket and our attempts to use it to the fullest). i got to AZ with no problem other than i had to have closed toe shoes to get on the plane and only had flip flops with me. luckily, i had caved into steves urging to get to the airport early. after getting my ticket we headed to the closest target for a cheap pair of shoes. back to the airport and no real wait. however, getting back turned into a bigger ordeal. the flights to come home were all booked, double booked with a list of stanbyers pretty long. we gave up our girl trip to attempt to make the one friday morning 6:20 am flight that was a possibility. unfortunately for me the flight that started off in tuscon the pilot did not show and the flight was to be missed. i could have tried for the same flight saturday but gave up the thought as i was ancy to get home. i was missing steve and nate and new that i had to return to work soon. i would have likely got on one of the planes over the weekend but chose not to wait and steve got me another air ticket home late friday night. the only catch was he had to retrieve me from austin.

all in all i would not change my week as adventure is the spice of life. it keeps me from becoming too boring. also, i loved seeing both melissa and tim and being able to help them move and start to paint. i am glad that nathan survived as some of his stories tell me he could have been seriously hurt. i am glad to be back home with both of my guys. sunday was a lazy day with a need to do a different posting. we generically celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary on sunday the 29th and look forward to the many more that will come!

weekend getaway with my hunny

Steve had a conference Saturday in San Antonio this past weekend and I was able to go along for the ride. this was a great perk as he works hard for little. Our time together was awesome. we were able to put our everyday worries aside and chat up a storm. Our first stop were the outlet stores in Round Rock (we both agreed that San Marcos would have been a little better), however, i had no problem spending some money. And for once it wasn't on me (as i have been on huge shopping spree for summer clothing). we actually did an experiment and drove all the way down at 60mph to see if the gas mileage would improve....we think we saved about 1/4 tank. not too bad for a gas guzzling suv. upon checking into the hotel which was located right on the river walk, we were greeted by a nice clerk who assumed it was our anniversary (1 month early) and said he would be sending a bottle of champagne and chocolate covered strawberries to our room. off to eat some good river walk tex mex and enjoy a nice walk. the night ended with the bottle of bubbly not getting opened, but both of us indulging in the wonderful strawberries :) unfortunately steve had to be up early the next morning while i got to enjoy the most comfortable bed. i lounged around until he ditched out of the conference for the day to really begin. we hit the local street fair, walked the alamo, then bought tickets to the mirror maze (overpriced but fun) and then we took in an imax flick. attempted to see the temple...but got there to late. some more mexican another walk around and then we were pretty much through. sadly, we had to leave sunday morning for the drive back to the reality of our daily lives. l must say that i really enjoyed my time spent with my hunny as these getaways a few. i realize how much i love him and enjoy spending time in his presence. thank goodness we have a scheduled family vacation in about six weeks. this should help pass the time of work and the hot summer that has set in.

A night of Arthur Miller at Central High School

Nate after The Crucible

Nate as Reverend Hale on the right. Unfortunately you have to
look past the lady that that ruined my photo op!

Tonight was Nathans first high school play. The Crucible was dark, wicked and the best production of the night. Reverend Hale had an awesome performance! The cast did a great job in breaking down the story into a 20 min play. If anyone remembers the story. Hale comes from out of town to help rid the town of all the witchcraft. For the play to be cut to fit the timing, all the characters acted in the dark evil chants scenes. then of course Hale had some scenes with the main characters. I must say that he had a major part.

No suprise as many know that Nate was in The Sound of MUsic last year with a major part as the butler. He truly has a talent for theatre. Not quite sure which side of the family the talent came from. I hope that we will see more productions in the next three years of school.

Rantings from an exhausted nurse

i do not even know where to begin. my mind is so beyond tired. it feels as all i have done for the last month or so is work at plaza. don't take it wrong, as i am glad to have a job that can crank out the dough, but some days i wonder at what cost to me. i have been working what seems like three 12hr night shifts a week during this period. and all who know me, understand that i am not one that gets too excited about working more than i need to. however, it has been great to pay the bills and have cash left over in the end. i was hoping to pump out some more plaza medical center until the end of may and then let summer break begin. but let me say, that i have reached my level of patience tonight.

i am fortunate to have a job that i usually like, but the expectations of society and the many business models have changed the focus of nursing. often, i feel like less than an adequate babysitter due to staffing ratios and a great legal drug dealer all in a night. i should not judge, but heaven forgive me i do. i just do not understand why a person would want to remain in a drug induced state. sometimes the amount of narcotics i give a single individual would place me six feet under. and yet, it hardly touches them or they are afraid to sleep and relax for fear that they will miss their next dose. now really, is this what life is supposed to be about. i have been yelled and cursed at more than my share in the last week. it is exhausting. management saying to make it right or the patient might go to another hospital....please go to that other hospital! then we can take care of the truly sick . and please do not preach to me any more about the fish philosophy. unless you can come out of your office and put on a pair of scrubs to work and see what is really going on outside of your closed door. maybe a good nap will change my mood.

i was filling out some forms yesterday that required copies of paystubs. as i was going about this once again annoying paper work, it dawned on me to actually look at my hours worked. it appears that really in all of these extra hours i have been doing, that i have not been paid for a portion either in hours of promised bonus money. not quite sure, but addition i do know how to do. arrgh. maybe this was a sign to just take a chill. steve has not said...dear go to work more...kel we don't want you home. nate has not said ...mom, please work so i don't have to see you. although, nathan has no problem saying mom can i have can i have....hahaha. some may say sarcastically, oh what a pity. i do not mean to wine and maybe all i really need is that nap. but work has a way of taking every little bit they can. it is a scarifice to my life to go in when they beg and plead. my house is in disarray, i lack sleep and get a little too grumpy. oh yeah, and don't ask me to really cook during these stretches. the least they can do, is give the money which was promised.

so i feel a little better now getting some of this off my chest. i will attempt to enjoy these next days off and mentally regroup to return to work with an improved attitude :)

my three sweet beauties

Kelsie, Miranda and Maddison
it is time for me to get over my hurt of the loss of these three sweet girls. the anger towards the system and very mean workers must exit my soul. therefore, i am making an entry dedicated to the time we shared. heavenly father sent these girls to us for a reason, whether the purpose was for them or us, we will not know until we meet again in the heavens. i am forever thankful for the memories created; even if they will never have a memory or thought of the times we shared. i will always wonder what they became and if their dreams were fulfilled. my mind is hopeful that i touched each of them in just the right way. i am hopeful that this chapter in my life was successful in its purpose. i would like to think this journey was just the beginning of something even better to come. i miss them and will always love these the little girls that came to our lives!

Nate all GQ

Nate all dressed up for his swim banquet tonight. I think he has some great taste in style and color!

Just Pondering

Today the sky was beautiful and the weather nice and i was able to enjoy nature as i worked in the yard. my mind was free for a short couple of hours from the trials life has dealt. I was able to see, if only for this time, that there is so much more life has to offer than the sorrow which i have felt. Nathan and I went to the store and bought a big ball and played outside like a couple of kids. how energetic i felt and (probably) embarrassed he was, but it was some great therapy for me. I have been so down in the dumps for days and am eagerly looking forward to many better days to come. I ended the day with a good phone conversation with a very special friend. Thank you M.

funeral

i felt bad for all my cousins and other relatives at the funeral. it was obvious that they had a great relationship with grandpa. he had a very important and active role in their lives. i on the other hand just took it all in. grandma and grandpa warr, were not very active in our lives. i knew they loved me...but for what ever reason...the relationship was different. i often thought that i imagined all this until about 2 years ago when grandpa came to texas. one day, nathaniel and i were taking grandpa to get lunch. during the conversation of the afternoon, grandpa proceeded to apologize to me for the past years of not spending with us and viewing us as different. i told him that it was okay and that i knew he loved me and the day went on.

i was able to reflect this past week of the memories that i do have. mostly consisting of holidays, but sweet they are. i have very little regrets on this part of my life. i believe blaine and leona are both back together happily in the heavens above.

as for the day, i really enjoyed seeing everyone and getting caught up on life. one might say that my uncle eric and i never left the table with all the food. as the evening wound down, some went to the movies and others went hot tubing. neither sounded like a good option as i had an hour drive back to my father in laws. i stayed behind and spent some time just chatting and listening to summer, porter, sidney and i think tanner talk about their lives and interests with school. we then an attempted a game of pictionary and off to riverside i went.

the rest of the weekend was just as nice. larry treated me to three great meals and pleasant conversation. i was able to see grandpa "whitey" squires and fran while watching a session of conference. i also spent a little time with my parents who were temporarily away from their mission site.

a safe plane trip home and now its back to the grind....hoping for no more funerals any time soon!