Mother encouraging abortion?

As if it was not enough that I was working my third night shift in a row...I was working with nurses who I have not worked with in years. Not that I have a problem with this...but it ended up being the conversation which I would first over hear, then partake in and the actions I would then witness. A bit more than my eyes and ears could bear.

The topic started off with my first overhearing my coworker tell another..".my teenage daughter is pregnant". Other worker..."oh, i am sorry. is she excited and going to keep the baby".

Coworker 1, "I am too young to be a grandma... I can't handle this. She needs to take care of this now". Worker 2, "wow, maybe you need to process this all first. What does your daughter want"?

Coworker 1, "she doesn't want to keep it. pretending like its nothing. I told her she needs to have an abortion. Then she got mad at me for calling it an abortion". Some time goes on, coworker tells everyone. Many opinions are given, with the majority saying to think about this, have daughter seek counseling, adoption and such. Coworker in mean time is researching and calling women's health clinics for daughter.

A quiet time comes upon us and I decide to tell coworker about our history of trying to adopt without success, foster care trials, etc. I also explained the many options and amounts of families that would love to work with girls/grandmas to be given the opportunity to adopt. Resistance was not met, however, coworker replied "I think my daughter has been drinking", "what family would want this baby". Not fighting for me, but for this unborn child and the many families that may never be chosen, again encouraged her to have daughter talk with an adoption counselor as maybe this could be an answer.

This just was one too many hours of listening and watching that I could almost handle. I would never tell a women what she can and can not do (even though I personally do not believe in abortion). I was just in disbelief at how casual a personal and controversial decision like this could be thrown into a work place and told to anyone who would listen. To see my coworkers sadness cloud any thinking and ability to help her daughter search for the right answer.

The Things We Do For Love

This book by Kristen Hannah caught my attention one day at the local Costco and I finally had time to read it. I found this story to be a quick and enjoyable read. I could hardly put it down. I was grateful that I was unable to work and spent most of yesterday with my nose in the book. So one might wonder what I found so intriguing about the words I read...

It has been a long time since I felt as if I could relate on a deep level to someone or something. And in this instance, it was a someone in a fictional story. So much of what I feel or have experienced was in print before my eyes. The words and the topic so eloquently made into a story that portrayed the scenarios that unfortunately too many women and couples have experienced.

For years, tears and sadness flooded my life, marriage and family. Those around me often walked on pins and needles when certain topics came up. The love that was once in abundance between two people bacame heavily strained. I changed, my husband changed and the life we always predicted we would have took a serious beating. Unfortunately, somewhere along this journey, I failed to see that my partner might not handle these setbacks the way I would. We have been left scarred...once a team with a common purpose...now each trying to find their own path in the life that was created together.

I have grown and have worked towards healing/understanding in my own way. I focus on forgiveness for the harsh topics that became a curve ball in my once imagined life. I try to forget about those that failed my dreams. I have boggled my mind searching for what the future holds. And most of all, I have tried to renew the once so obvious love that Steve and I had.

I connected so well with the story and often dream of having a happy ending (not necessarily like the one in this book). Becoming a confident woman. Being part of a  love that was able to overcome such sorrow. A realization of what is trully important before it is really too late. I dream of this often. This happy ending has not yet presented itself to me nor has this journey of love and life yet come to an end. When I reflect on where Steve and I are at this time, I can not see a new/old beginning in sight.....and yet I continue to hope and fight for me and us. Hoping one day that I will no longer be seen as broken or bitter and that there may be forgiveness towards me for all my errors along this way.

Contemplating

I do not even know where to begin. It is a saga that I seem to not let end. The same answer keeps coming to me each and every time almost pretty blatant now. Stubbornness on my end is obviously a great down fall on my part. I guess I will just let it out. So much to say even when I had planned to keep it quiet to the majority.

I had applied to adopt an LDS girl....and too my surprise...after a couple of weeks of grueling questioning, we were chose. We were notified officially last Thursday night. I was estatic and relieved....finally we had found the child that I had been searching for for years. I had only told a select few...which my first clue that this could go wrong was by the mix of responses I received. We agreed to move forward. The contract is currently in negotiations at this time and we were told the goal for placement would be the last week in July. Yesterday, "Miss ?", had an "incident" to which was of serious nature. I was not initially too concerned, but as the hours and events continue to roll on....the nature is very concerning to me. I will still request to review "Miss ?" file, probably to confirm my feelings. But at this time, it looks as if we will not proceed any further.

Sadness is all that I can think! And for many reasons besides my own selfish desires. I can not get out of my head the thought that Nathaniel is an only child. It was never in MY plans. It breaks my heart. I love having siblings. There is something to be said about family.

Now I know that Nathaniel does not mind being an only child. He used to express it a lot. Not so much anymore, as he has been very supportive in foster care and attempting to adopt. But it will not be until years from now that the realization of not having a sibling will set in. I hope that he will be married and have his own children; but one day his parents will not be on this earth and that can leave a deep loneliness. Another thing that makes me sad on his behalf is the thought of growing old. As we age (hopefully healthy), there will come a time that we may need help, and the burden will lie solely on him.

But this is not the only reason why I have searched, hoped and attempted all routes that I was familiar with, for an addition to the family. There have been two distinct times in my adulthood that I had a strong feeling there was another child waiting to come. The first was when Nathan was a small child. The second was when Nathan was about 10. This time was even more distinct and I remember it vividly. I was in a very peaceful place where no evil could enter. And I knew with assurity that our future child was trying to find their way to us.

Now, I no longer believe that God rewards those who "are good or extra righteous" with being blessed with children. I think a lot of times it is just plain good luck. Healthy baby making genes, good money, or the right connections and even possibly lucking into a situation. I am no longer feeled with sadness that leads to depression over the issue. More puzzled if anything. I was at church today in the nursery ( I am one of the teachers), and another woman said to me..."you are always so good with the kids". This was a compliment that I hear quite a bit....and guess what....it does not mean you will be blessed with children (a little sarcasm). And no it does not make it easier working in nursery or even going to church each week (tangent).

I know that our family is missing someone and I have now come to a point where this can no longer consume me. I have to let it come to a close. I know I have said this before...but goodness...Nathaniel turns 16 this summer and we have been pursuing this pretty heavy (for our minimal resources $) since Nathan was eight. It has taken a toll on our marriage. Some days, I think that my husband, that I love with all my heart, can hardly see me as anything other than a woman on the search for a child. Sad! and only my assumption.

We still have our foster care license and it will be valid until February 2011. However, I do not think I want to pursue fostering anymore. I am a horrible foster parent. I have fallen completely in love with each of our girls.I have given them a part of my heart. I still mourn Miranda deeply. I imagine what she looks like, how her demeanor is and if her hearing is good. Maddi, I do not miss as much, but that could be I talk with her adoptive mom every once and awhile. Kelsey was so small without any flaws. I miss "Miss K" for her hyperactivity/spirit and the love she gained in her short month and a half with us. I sometimes pray that her mom would mess up while our license is still good. I just do not have the emotional strength to do this too much more, if at all. It does not change my feelings of our family not being complete. But defeat might be the best route to take.

I am a very selfish mother. There are days when I want to keep Nathan completely to myself. I want him near me even we are doing our own thing. But I am a good mother to him and I know it is important to let him have a life. To go out into the world and explore life with friends and activities. I need to relish the time that we have with him home now, rather than think of what my life will be like when he no longer lives in our abode.

So all I can say is far too much contemplation since last night. My mind is in over drive. Sad for the events of infertility and unsuccessful adoption. Joy that I did have time with our four sweet girls. A desire to be hopeful that we may receive that unexpected call for the child that has been searching us out for all this time. Hopeful that happiness is in the future for me and my partner that I oh so love.

If you should read this and feel the desire to leave a comment, please do. However, please don't approach me out in public about this post, as I had really hoped to not tell too many until everything was almost final. Therapy was my sole purpose of this entry. If I was a better writer, I would consider writing a book since I know there has to be others out there like me. But since my writing is only mediocre, my blog is the lucky tablet.