Mother encouraging abortion?

As if it was not enough that I was working my third night shift in a row...I was working with nurses who I have not worked with in years. Not that I have a problem with this...but it ended up being the conversation which I would first over hear, then partake in and the actions I would then witness. A bit more than my eyes and ears could bear.

The topic started off with my first overhearing my coworker tell another..".my teenage daughter is pregnant". Other worker..."oh, i am sorry. is she excited and going to keep the baby".

Coworker 1, "I am too young to be a grandma... I can't handle this. She needs to take care of this now". Worker 2, "wow, maybe you need to process this all first. What does your daughter want"?

Coworker 1, "she doesn't want to keep it. pretending like its nothing. I told her she needs to have an abortion. Then she got mad at me for calling it an abortion". Some time goes on, coworker tells everyone. Many opinions are given, with the majority saying to think about this, have daughter seek counseling, adoption and such. Coworker in mean time is researching and calling women's health clinics for daughter.

A quiet time comes upon us and I decide to tell coworker about our history of trying to adopt without success, foster care trials, etc. I also explained the many options and amounts of families that would love to work with girls/grandmas to be given the opportunity to adopt. Resistance was not met, however, coworker replied "I think my daughter has been drinking", "what family would want this baby". Not fighting for me, but for this unborn child and the many families that may never be chosen, again encouraged her to have daughter talk with an adoption counselor as maybe this could be an answer.

This just was one too many hours of listening and watching that I could almost handle. I would never tell a women what she can and can not do (even though I personally do not believe in abortion). I was just in disbelief at how casual a personal and controversial decision like this could be thrown into a work place and told to anyone who would listen. To see my coworkers sadness cloud any thinking and ability to help her daughter search for the right answer.

The Things We Do For Love

This book by Kristen Hannah caught my attention one day at the local Costco and I finally had time to read it. I found this story to be a quick and enjoyable read. I could hardly put it down. I was grateful that I was unable to work and spent most of yesterday with my nose in the book. So one might wonder what I found so intriguing about the words I read...

It has been a long time since I felt as if I could relate on a deep level to someone or something. And in this instance, it was a someone in a fictional story. So much of what I feel or have experienced was in print before my eyes. The words and the topic so eloquently made into a story that portrayed the scenarios that unfortunately too many women and couples have experienced.

For years, tears and sadness flooded my life, marriage and family. Those around me often walked on pins and needles when certain topics came up. The love that was once in abundance between two people bacame heavily strained. I changed, my husband changed and the life we always predicted we would have took a serious beating. Unfortunately, somewhere along this journey, I failed to see that my partner might not handle these setbacks the way I would. We have been left scarred...once a team with a common purpose...now each trying to find their own path in the life that was created together.

I have grown and have worked towards healing/understanding in my own way. I focus on forgiveness for the harsh topics that became a curve ball in my once imagined life. I try to forget about those that failed my dreams. I have boggled my mind searching for what the future holds. And most of all, I have tried to renew the once so obvious love that Steve and I had.

I connected so well with the story and often dream of having a happy ending (not necessarily like the one in this book). Becoming a confident woman. Being part of a  love that was able to overcome such sorrow. A realization of what is trully important before it is really too late. I dream of this often. This happy ending has not yet presented itself to me nor has this journey of love and life yet come to an end. When I reflect on where Steve and I are at this time, I can not see a new/old beginning in sight.....and yet I continue to hope and fight for me and us. Hoping one day that I will no longer be seen as broken or bitter and that there may be forgiveness towards me for all my errors along this way.

trying to come to terms of not having a second child

i have come to a chapter in my life that does not appear to have a happy ending....and i must say that this has been an extremely long chapter! it started many years ago with the desire to have another child. it first began with the realization of infertility and the trials of surgery, medications and the reality of the cost of innovative medicine without any guarantees. this lead to a five year wait with an adoption agency that gave us the boot for not being chosen. an emotional ride with a scammer birthmom from on line advertising. and discovering the path to foster care...having three beautiful baby girls coming to our lives and then leaving us because of some very wrongful decisions of judges. all this to wind up having our license revoked for caring too much per one insane/power hungry social worker.

i really do not know what to say as i have pondered this and am left almost speechless at times. my heart is full of anger and grief. i am so puzzled by these events that i almost do not know where to turn. this has been my journey, having hope and faith for some ten years now. i am having a hard time seeing life with a different path. i am listening to those who know me, as many have said when one door closes another one opens. i ask steve constantly to tell me what life will be like in four years as nathan may leave home? i have actually surprised myself at times thinking that life will be okay and looking forward to the next adventure that awaits steve and i. then in my quiet moments, usually at night or when i have nothing to do, my mind dreams of life without that daughter that we might have had. then there are sundays at church, cute pictures, or holidays that young children love all reminding me of what is not to be and this reality strikes again.

last week, i thought i was at terms with the whole issue and started taking down the nursery. tears pored from my eyes as i was reminded of my little miranda (maddison and kelsie too). miranda was every where in there...from the room colors that were chose, to panda bunny that was bought for her first easter, and the chalk board in the closet which read "mirandas room". i have been in the intermittent woe is me mode ever since. today, we skipped church so we could put all the baby stuff in the attic. i did not cry...as i just do not think there are any tears left. i was full of sadness for the again lost dream. puzzled by Steve's questioning to not throw some items out and the bewilderment that my life is to still go on....and i want it to be happy and filled without much regret for the decisions that were made.

as i reflect, i can not say that i have been the best mom there is. i can say that with the knowledge i had in my early years of motherhood, i did my best. i wish different choices had been made at times. as i sometimes see wasted moments and opportunities. i am glad for the knowledge of aging and seeing that mistakes can be changed. i am grateful for the awesome son that i am blessed with. nathaniel is very forgiving for my downfalls and loves me deeply. i probably expect a lot from him and brag about him a little too much at times....but what can i say...as he is my one and only.

forgive me for this extremely long entry, but this has been sitting hard on my heart for a very long time. i am hoping that writing down my feelings will help me heal and find peace with where i am and look forward to the chapters too come.