Grateful to be a mom

Mothers Day gift 2007 (fond memory) having my son and daughter

Mothers Day gift 2008 (and still blooming)

Mothers Day gift 2009 (shopping spree for Nate)


Best Mothers Day gift of all

Mom to Nathaniel

Mothers Day brought no worldy gifts to this mom this year. Momentary saddness in a wordly way. I had given Nate numerous hints over and over for almost a month for a charm bracelet that i wanted. Nate said, I had no money and if i was to get money from dad, then it would be a gift from dad and not me.....words for thought from a teen boy I guess. So we found ourselves at the outlet mall (after sleeping in and missing church) shopping for summer clothes for Nate. I hounded and teased him a bit for not buying his mom a gift. Sometime at the end of our shopping spree, Nate said mom, you had the priviledge of shopping for your son today! Yeah, I guess he was right. Good thing I love him.

Taste Addison

These boys actually do eat once in awhile

Issac, Mark, Matt and Nate

This past Saturday we went to one of our favorite events (Taste Addison). It is a fun day of eating lots of food, browsing expensive art and listening to free live music. This year Nate's buddies decided to come along, one extra body, which lead to one boy riding in the back of my blazer. I was glad to have them join us and amazed as they actually ate. With the exception of Nate, these boys never eat. The band this year was

Bowling for Soup. I am not quite sure what I think. The music was great...but the lyrics and show presentation was only ok. It does not matter though, because I love Taste Addison and we will go again next year!

Happy Early Mothers Day

I received this in the mail today and thought that I would share it with you

For A Wonderful Mom

Only angels love with God's unselfish love,

Only angels share the best of heaven above.

Only angels guide with tried and true advice,

Only angels smile with every sacrifice--

Only angels see with God's forgiving eyes--

Could it be that moms are angels in disguise?

Thinking of all the wonderful things

you do and celebrating the

angel of a mom you are.

Happy Mother's Day!

Contemplating

I do not even know where to begin. It is a saga that I seem to not let end. The same answer keeps coming to me each and every time almost pretty blatant now. Stubbornness on my end is obviously a great down fall on my part. I guess I will just let it out. So much to say even when I had planned to keep it quiet to the majority.

I had applied to adopt an LDS girl....and too my surprise...after a couple of weeks of grueling questioning, we were chose. We were notified officially last Thursday night. I was estatic and relieved....finally we had found the child that I had been searching for for years. I had only told a select few...which my first clue that this could go wrong was by the mix of responses I received. We agreed to move forward. The contract is currently in negotiations at this time and we were told the goal for placement would be the last week in July. Yesterday, "Miss ?", had an "incident" to which was of serious nature. I was not initially too concerned, but as the hours and events continue to roll on....the nature is very concerning to me. I will still request to review "Miss ?" file, probably to confirm my feelings. But at this time, it looks as if we will not proceed any further.

Sadness is all that I can think! And for many reasons besides my own selfish desires. I can not get out of my head the thought that Nathaniel is an only child. It was never in MY plans. It breaks my heart. I love having siblings. There is something to be said about family.

Now I know that Nathaniel does not mind being an only child. He used to express it a lot. Not so much anymore, as he has been very supportive in foster care and attempting to adopt. But it will not be until years from now that the realization of not having a sibling will set in. I hope that he will be married and have his own children; but one day his parents will not be on this earth and that can leave a deep loneliness. Another thing that makes me sad on his behalf is the thought of growing old. As we age (hopefully healthy), there will come a time that we may need help, and the burden will lie solely on him.

But this is not the only reason why I have searched, hoped and attempted all routes that I was familiar with, for an addition to the family. There have been two distinct times in my adulthood that I had a strong feeling there was another child waiting to come. The first was when Nathan was a small child. The second was when Nathan was about 10. This time was even more distinct and I remember it vividly. I was in a very peaceful place where no evil could enter. And I knew with assurity that our future child was trying to find their way to us.

Now, I no longer believe that God rewards those who "are good or extra righteous" with being blessed with children. I think a lot of times it is just plain good luck. Healthy baby making genes, good money, or the right connections and even possibly lucking into a situation. I am no longer feeled with sadness that leads to depression over the issue. More puzzled if anything. I was at church today in the nursery ( I am one of the teachers), and another woman said to me..."you are always so good with the kids". This was a compliment that I hear quite a bit....and guess what....it does not mean you will be blessed with children (a little sarcasm). And no it does not make it easier working in nursery or even going to church each week (tangent).

I know that our family is missing someone and I have now come to a point where this can no longer consume me. I have to let it come to a close. I know I have said this before...but goodness...Nathaniel turns 16 this summer and we have been pursuing this pretty heavy (for our minimal resources $) since Nathan was eight. It has taken a toll on our marriage. Some days, I think that my husband, that I love with all my heart, can hardly see me as anything other than a woman on the search for a child. Sad! and only my assumption.

We still have our foster care license and it will be valid until February 2011. However, I do not think I want to pursue fostering anymore. I am a horrible foster parent. I have fallen completely in love with each of our girls.I have given them a part of my heart. I still mourn Miranda deeply. I imagine what she looks like, how her demeanor is and if her hearing is good. Maddi, I do not miss as much, but that could be I talk with her adoptive mom every once and awhile. Kelsey was so small without any flaws. I miss "Miss K" for her hyperactivity/spirit and the love she gained in her short month and a half with us. I sometimes pray that her mom would mess up while our license is still good. I just do not have the emotional strength to do this too much more, if at all. It does not change my feelings of our family not being complete. But defeat might be the best route to take.

I am a very selfish mother. There are days when I want to keep Nathan completely to myself. I want him near me even we are doing our own thing. But I am a good mother to him and I know it is important to let him have a life. To go out into the world and explore life with friends and activities. I need to relish the time that we have with him home now, rather than think of what my life will be like when he no longer lives in our abode.

So all I can say is far too much contemplation since last night. My mind is in over drive. Sad for the events of infertility and unsuccessful adoption. Joy that I did have time with our four sweet girls. A desire to be hopeful that we may receive that unexpected call for the child that has been searching us out for all this time. Hopeful that happiness is in the future for me and my partner that I oh so love.

If you should read this and feel the desire to leave a comment, please do. However, please don't approach me out in public about this post, as I had really hoped to not tell too many until everything was almost final. Therapy was my sole purpose of this entry. If I was a better writer, I would consider writing a book since I know there has to be others out there like me. But since my writing is only mediocre, my blog is the lucky tablet.

Spring is in the air

It has been a long time since I have truly felt spring in my heart. Actually, the day that my joy for spring ended was June 1, 2007. This was the most sad day I have ever experienced...our beautiful sweet little Miranda left our lives forever....and when Miranda left...so did my joy for gardening. Over the past two years I tried to regain some sort of control over the planter issue and it was just impossible. I guess it was some sort of long mourning and self torture?

Hunter picked out these beautiful colors to go around the tree in the front yard

I am amazed at how my green little plants are growing. Just two weeks ago they were tiny little sprigs. They are adapting to our crazy Texas weather nicely.

Fast forward two years....I began to feel the need to bring spring back into my life and yard. I awoke one morning a couple of weeks ago and decided that it was time to shop for flowers and plants. I asked Hunter the week before if she would help me pull weeds and plant new flowers. She happily said yes. I am lucky to have such an awesome niece!

Over the past week or so, I have been able to walk out back and have nothing but fond memories of my days with Miranda. I can vividly see my pretty little girl sitting on her blanket in her pink hat and pulling the grass. I am truly amazed at how I fell so in love with a little human being that was only in our lives for five months. I do not think I will ever get over my love for Miranda....but I now know that I have to move on and give my love to someone or something else.

I am content and hopeful at this moment...as my front yard is blooming, I will be planning how to bring my backyard back to life! Happy Spring and may you feel it in your heart too.

A Much Needed 2 Minute Call

I awoke today to a beautiful warm and sunny morning. Off to a good start and then a quick change of mood. I have been overall happy and just trying to keep busy....then every once in awhile I have a step back. I had a poor is me hour or so. The tears welled up and the flow of water would not stop. I found myself falling to my knees and pleading with my Heavenly Father to help me understand my life and purpose. I cried and asked why my journey to adoption has been so long and difficult? After all, I know so many who have had a much easier time. I pleaded to let some good come our way. To make this journey of foster care and adoption easier....and possibly end with a happy note. Today, we had to retake our yearly behavior management coarse. I think these are a joke, after having raised a good son for nearly sixteen years. On top of the fact that our luck is soooo bad. None the less, we went and sat through the class. We are now current on everything due for awhile. To my surprise, I had a voice message on my phone from Miss K. I promptly returned her call and we spoke for about 2-3 minutes. Then I heard her mother enter the room and Miss K had to abruptly hang up. I am guessing that she may have called without moms permission. She told me that she loved me, received her photo album and I was able to tell her that I loved her and that she could call whenever she wanted. Although, this was not the call or the news that could fix our desires (for adding to the family)....my prayers were answered today by the fact that I received Kalista's phone call. This was a very nice blessing!