Sunday, March 30, 2008

trying to come to terms of not having a second child

i have come to a chapter in my life that does not appear to have a happy ending....and i must say that this has been an extremely long chapter! it started many years ago with the desire to have another child. it first began with the realization of infertility and the trials of surgery, medications and the reality of the cost of innovative medicine without any guarantees. this lead to a five year wait with an adoption agency that gave us the boot for not being chosen. an emotional ride with a scammer birthmom from on line advertising. and discovering the path to foster care...having three beautiful baby girls coming to our lives and then leaving us because of some very wrongful decisions of judges. all this to wind up having our license revoked for caring too much per one insane/power hungry social worker.

i really do not know what to say as i have pondered this and am left almost speechless at times. my heart is full of anger and grief. i am so puzzled by these events that i almost do not know where to turn. this has been my journey, having hope and faith for some ten years now. i am having a hard time seeing life with a different path. i am listening to those who know me, as many have said when one door closes another one opens. i ask steve constantly to tell me what life will be like in four years as nathan may leave home? i have actually surprised myself at times thinking that life will be okay and looking forward to the next adventure that awaits steve and i. then in my quiet moments, usually at night or when i have nothing to do, my mind dreams of life without that daughter that we might have had. then there are sundays at church, cute pictures, or holidays that young children love all reminding me of what is not to be and this reality strikes again.

last week, i thought i was at terms with the whole issue and started taking down the nursery. tears pored from my eyes as i was reminded of my little miranda (maddison and kelsie too). miranda was every where in there...from the room colors that were chose, to panda bunny that was bought for her first easter, and the chalk board in the closet which read "mirandas room". i have been in the intermittent woe is me mode ever since. today, we skipped church so we could put all the baby stuff in the attic. i did not i just do not think there are any tears left. i was full of sadness for the again lost dream. puzzled by Steve's questioning to not throw some items out and the bewilderment that my life is to still go on....and i want it to be happy and filled without much regret for the decisions that were made.

as i reflect, i can not say that i have been the best mom there is. i can say that with the knowledge i had in my early years of motherhood, i did my best. i wish different choices had been made at times. as i sometimes see wasted moments and opportunities. i am glad for the knowledge of aging and seeing that mistakes can be changed. i am grateful for the awesome son that i am blessed with. nathaniel is very forgiving for my downfalls and loves me deeply. i probably expect a lot from him and brag about him a little too much at times....but what can i he is my one and only.

forgive me for this extremely long entry, but this has been sitting hard on my heart for a very long time. i am hoping that writing down my feelings will help me heal and find peace with where i am and look forward to the chapters too come.