Saturday, January 30, 2010

Chargers Guys, Nate and Districts 2010

Last night, we had our traditional pasta dinner to carb up the swimmers. I must say it was a little difficult to plan this year. We could not find a restaurant that would let us reserve a party of 35. The result (which worked out great) was an automotive repair shop...compliments of an uncle. The kids were able to drown themselves in spaghetti, music and then Becky (the other super dooper team mom) painted all of our boys toes hot pink with black lightening bolts.

                                   the guys were a little too comfortable

Today were 5A districts...and quite frankly the boys got creamed. Unfortunately, Nate did not have a chance to even qualify for regionals. Coach did not set him up well. She was not consistent in his events all season. He would do a the 500 free and 100 fly one meet and then the next she it would be the 200 or 100 free. Anyways, she did not have any faith in him today and his events were the fly and 500....and he scored. No he did not qualify for regionals....sigh...but he dropped his 500 free time by 30 seconds and his 100 fly by 3 seconds. Coach was left wondering where these times came from. Too bad when you give up on the definately- not- the- fastest- but- consistent swimmer (sarcasm). Way to go son, your fans new you swam hard.
                    Nate lounging in the backround with his I touch I'm sure

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Game night

Last night the family all gathered at Sally's house for what we are hoping will be a new thing that sticks with all of our busy, chaotic schedules. Family Game Night one Saturday a month!!! If it is your house, then you pick the game. The game of the night was UNO. We had two decks and eleven people playing. Wild, fun and ruthless would describe the night. Nate tried to pretend that he was not into it at all. Unfortuately, there were too many there to hear him laughing with the rest of us. After a few hours, I believe Damon won with the least number and Steve lost with the highest number.
Next month...Stephanie and Brody's house. I can only wonder what they will have us play

Friday, January 15, 2010

A Favorite

I have always liked this of my favorites to be exact. You are so stylish and confident looking on this day. Also, not afraid to smile. This picture was taken at Brody and Stephanies wedding in Austin.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Family pictures Jan 4th 2010

   Our Kids

clockwise starting with Nathaniel
Nathaniel 16, Damon 11, Jenna 10, Axel 2, Deigo 6, Jake 8, Oscar 8, Hunter 14

the girls

our guys

my family

mom and dad

Sally and the kids 1st family picture

Axel being bribed to it

Here are a few of the shots taken. I think for trying to get nice faces on everyone, we did a pretty good job. But after looking at our CD, I am wondering how we did not get a big group picture.

That was then This is now



Look how we have changed....a pretty good looking group of siblings if I don't say so myself

When Jodie and her kids were visiting from Washington, we thought that it would be a good time to get all of our kids pictures taken. We could not remember the last time one was taken and even so Axel was still in the heavens. And then if we waited much longer..well Nathaniel will be a grown and off at college. So during the drama of trying to get us all together at one time, the weather not cooperating (I had found a photographer to take pictures of the kids and family at a park), we wound up at the local target. All this drama said, it turned out to be a good thing, as we could have a lot more different shoots. I decided that it would be fun to post a past and present shot of me and my siblings.

A chronic cough can mean.....

I have had a cough since last February. At first it was just annoying...had type A flu (Feb), lots of stress, a surgery (July), working was not too concerning. Then a couple of months ago I decided to pay a visit to the family doctor. Told that I should know that is not normal, but not given any real direction to turn. And then I thought it was starting to go away............sigh...not so lucky. I could not stand it any longer and started talking with one of the doctors at work (perk of being a nurse). I received some free advice, followed it to the tee. No luck on a cure.

So today I had an appointment with the pulmonologist to dig deeper into finding an  answer. The doctor took an intense health history. Spent about 40 minutes examining me and discussion possible thoughts. Overall, I am very healthy. I have had very heavy menstral cycles, infertility and am prone to pneumonia and the flu. I would have never thought that these could all go hand in hand. Now we do not know for sure if they are related to the cough or not.....medicine is a mysterious science. So from here I go for a battery of blood work, a cat scan and a pulmonary function test. We are hoping that this will lead to an answer and a way to stop the annoying hack that bugs me and I am sure those that are around me.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

To renew foster care license or not???

Last June I placed our foster care license on hold  intending to just let it expire when the hold time ended. I was confident that this was the right decision to make. The contention and sadness that infertilitly and the returning of children had placed on me and the family was far too much to bear. I had to take a stand in order to take my life back and return to happiness. I decided to have my hysterectomy which secured the deal of ending the possibility of expanding our family. I had worked so hard for this. I gave sacrificed years of happiness in the pursuit of building the family that I always dreamed of. I started to forgive and decided that I could move forward....although I had know idea what forward was.

I have been truly happy and have no regrets about my hysterectomy. I have been keeping busy volunteering as Nathaniels swim team mom for the high school. I watch Axel on Fridays. And the holidays helped having family visiting for almost two months. I had pretty much forgot about our foster care license...or at least it was deep back in the memory.

Move forward to last week. Contact being made to see where we are with our license and seeing if we are ready to come back. I thought I had resolved this. I wanted the child issue to be resolved. I mean everyone who knows me, knows that if someone was to present us with a secure way of building our family that we (I)would not think twice. But this is my life and it does not go that way....easy and without trial. Now I have been thinking about returning to foster care or at least mentioning it to hubby. I am not quite so sure that this conversation would be a hit with him. Husband is happy with where we are. He is busy with work, his masters program and just trying to find some success in his life. So busy in fact that he hardly has time for us.

I am not at that place though. My son is older, doesn't need mom much and will be leaving the nest far too soon. Quite frankly, I am bored most of the time. Too much time on my hands. No real desire to throw myself into work and career. The only woman/mother I know that will be an empty nester at 40. Not sure if I would want to start a new family and not sure that I wouldn't do it all over again. Scared beyond belief to be left alone with my husband who I feel I hardly know half of the time anymore. Far to well aware that I married a man who is definately the opposite of me. Leaving me often wondering what we have in common. How we will move forward to that next phase together and if we will even survive.

Now I am to well aware that I am happy and do not want to sacrifice my happiness again. I am healthy and more knowledgable about my frailities. I have a couple of months to decide. But I do not want to dwell. I want my decision to feel natural. No more trying to force an issue that is soooo beyond obvious that I have never had control over.  I want this to just fall into place if it is meant to be.

Not in the right mind frame for work

  Sometimes when I am at work, finishing up work and attempting to recover from work....I am just so totally overwhelmed. I did I get to this did I ever make it to becoming a nurse. Being a nurse is just sometimes downright HARD! I think that I am just not smart enough to fulfill the expectations that are placed upon me while you are in my care. I become frustrated with myself when I miss little signs that really are not that little. I become irritated easily with the big PSYCH word. I am not that young of a nurse. I should have more confidence and knowledge in the areas that I practice. I should make my brain remember more.
   But I am not that nurse at this time in my life. This is not my focus and has not been from almost the beginning. Becoming a nurse was a means to making money and having great flexibility. It was meant to allow me to be home with the other children that were supposed to enter our lives. I had fought against my plight of working and fell into this career. Don't get me wrong...I worked hard to get here. I do not have regrets about earning my degree and license. I do have knowledge and skills. I am definately a people person and thrive on a fast paced environment.  This just was not my plan and I am tired.
   My two shifts this week were overwhelming and just plain exhausting. I had a hard time staying awake during both shifts (usually not a big issue). My mind waundered on the first night. I could not focus and did not have the energy to want to put out the extra effort needed. I did not connect all the dots....fortunately it did not lead to any misfortunes. Usually I make myself wake up around 3pm to relax, check email and think about dinner. It was all I could do to make myself get up 1 1/2  hours later than normal.
   I walked into work with a foggy mind. I should have took it as a sign to how the night was to go. I craved had to have a diet coke from the start. I walked into my assignment to a big "I'm sorry" from the nurse giving me report. I was the fortunate one to have suicide watch. Bipolar, herione user, suicidal patient totally in the manic phase. The adrenaline was flowing for everyone. Negative energy was definately in the air...sigh. My time was now consumed for kicking family out, explaining to the drug addict signifigant other she could not stay the night, having to have nursing administration and security as back up. Luckily, my other patients were not needy. It took a few hours of calmness, listening, acknowledging and then providing my drug addict/psych patient more narcotics to allow us to have the last 8 hours to go smooth. I lived and my patients all lived. A successful end to a long two nights.
   Maybe in time, I will have more focus for a career. I might want to study and make it more of a priority. Maybe in time, I will be the leader that my boss always asks me to become. Eventually, I will feel more confident as I work in these areas that I have chose. Eventually, I will leave working nights and switch to days....maybe when this time comes...I will know that everything was meant to be and I will know that I have done something good and it wasn't all about the money.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Just something to blog

Nathaniel (the joy of my existence) and his loving mom (me)

I was at work the other night and was pondering my life....big the late night hours make me relive all events (both good and bad) that are remembered. On this particular night, I was lamenting about how I have not been the best mother and I let the guilt knive dig deep into the gut. I have made many mistakes and somehow never manage to forgive myself. This leads to even more guilt and so on. Well on this particular night, I realized that I have failed at taking enough pictures, scrapbooking those that I do have, worked my sons whole life and wasted most of my time raising him plagued by infertility for baby #2.
Now it has not been all bad....with the ups and downs has been a lot of good. But this awarnenesss has come with age and understanding. I am learning that I must forgive myself for the errors in order to relish my journey in this life and the blessing of being a mom.
I am not new to blogging, but am creating this blog to journal my random memories of raising my son. I want to be able to remember in the years to come (if the mind should ever be taken from me). To serve as a reminder that I did my best. And if nothing else, maybe help someone else with the same trials understand that they are not alone in the learning of motherhood.
Being the perfectionist I strive to be, I already have to forgive myself, as I know many dates and ages may be forgotten. I ask all of you moms out there to wish me luck in this endeavor.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

American Girl and other birthday festivities

Jenna is totally into the American Girl Dolls and had been looking forward to this adventure. So Jodie had gathered up her and Jenna plus mom, Hunter and myself for a outing to the store and a luncheon at the bistro. I must say that for someone who has never been to the store, it is quite an adventure. The store is set up kind of like a museum. We had a good time looking at everything and giving our inputs to which doll Jenna should buy. I lost out as I voted for Molly or Rebecca, as she purchased Elizabeth. This part was totally enjoyable. However, our lunch left a little to be desired. Our food server was not having a very good day and messed up three out of the five lunches. I ended up talking with the manager and one plate change later, we were able to enjoy our overpriced (but delicious tasting) food. And we each received a 30% discount for the mess up. I do not know if I would eat lunch there again but would definately visit the store when Jenna should visit us again.

                                                                   Jodie and Jenna                                  

Hunter and her borrowed friend

Damon and Jenna both have January birthdays, so we had decided to have a family birthday party for them since we were all in the same state. I do not believe we have ever had them together for their birthdays. Damon turns 11 on the 4th and Jenna turns 10 on the 8th. Happy Birthday to both of these awesome kids. We had a taco bar that was tasty and a little crazy at mom and dads house due to space.

A few of the guys and not quite sure what they were doing

Damon and Jenna

           Jenna sneaking a 2nd cupcake

During the day, dad had stayed home with all the boys. They adventured out to Mcdonalds and had a day of straight Wii and Nintendo DS. Big cousin Nate went along to assist and of course get a free meal from Grandpa. In fact, everytime all the kids got together, it turned into a big video game fest.

All the kids have become reaquainted and have had a good time over the week. We have one last day together left before we all have to resume our normal daily lives. Until then it has been a week of activities and fun chaos.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Letting out a little angst

With the cold weather and all the running around we have been doing, Jodies visit had been a little chaotic. Sally's boys had been at their dads house up until now. Well today the weather was nice and crisp and everyone was available, so Jodie and I decided to take the kids to the park (minus Nate...again at work).

Jodie and Me



Oscar helping Jenna.

Damon was playing football with some older boys in the neighborhood. Oscar climbed a different tree and freaked out deciding he was afraid of heights. Diego ran around in circles and Hunter just chitchatted with us.

Friday, January 1, 2010

New Years Eve 2010

Sally was able to join us for a couple of hours before work
down fall of working retail no 8-5

Playing Blokus
can you see the concentration that is brewing

Steve had downloaded a bubble wrap application on his I Touch and this had the family enthralled

This New Years Eve was a first for us all in a long time. We were home and actually having a little family party. My parents could not remember the last time they stayed up. Jodie and her kids were here visiting from Seattle and Steve and I were both home. The last time I was off on a new years eve, i was bored in front of the television and Steve was in the office on the computer. I am happy to say that we all enjoyed the evening eating some good grub and the friendly competition of board games. We all managed to stay awake to watch the ball drop and toast in the new year with some yummy sparkling cider.
to all of my friends and family
May it be the great year that I am hoping for!

Always so Serious

Why oh why son are you always so serious? Is it from your upbringing....because for many many years your parents had serious relationship issues...or is it just your nature? I ask you this quite often lately. Your expressions for the most part reflect this. And then every once in awhile that great smile of yours will break through. I know the pressures placed upon you. The AP classes and your parents demanding no less than a high "B", the swim season and now a job on top of it. Oh and lets not forget your moms nagging about being safe a thousand times a day and every time you get into the car. Your driving so far is the biggest worry that I have; especially since you have already had an
accident (or two). Oh Nate, I love you, but I so wish for you too not be so serious all the time (except when driving) and to stop and relish your youth the events and most of all the time with the family.