the family portrait of everyone in seattle taken via the web cam. it was great, they watched us (mostly the kids) open gifts. at some point, we ended up playing some sort of game with them.
Friday, December 26, 2008
the family portrait of everyone in seattle taken via the web cam. it was great, they watched us (mostly the kids) open gifts. at some point, we ended up playing some sort of game with them.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3.Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child (have attempted w/o success)
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables (with mild success...)
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie (does it count if it was at universal studios)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Friday mrs k left our nest to go back into the big bad world that many of us will never experience. mrs k (being the fourth child that we have let go), was a far different experience than the babies. she had woke up grumpy and determined not to follow any rules. she refused to get dressed. attempted to beat me up and tried to hold baby axel hostage. my conclusion: k did not want to leave. it was heart breaking to see her drive away. i hope her past few days have been nice....but to those who know the story deeper...can only hope her mom will mess up again soon so that way k can have a chance at a better life.
I now pick:
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
late this afternoon, i received a call saying that mrs k will probably be leaving us at the end of the week. i was told that it was against the will of her personal advocates. i was encouraged to tell mrs k the news. as we were driving to pick up nate i told her. to my surprise, she was not too happy and became teary eyed. k expressed to me, that although she wants to live with her mom, she was afraid of never seeing us again. she asked me to let her have visitation with us. not knowing how to answer that request, i put her on the phone with her advocate. all we can do is see what her mom and cps say. the rest of the evening was spent with k singing sad love songs that went something like this...."don't worry i'll come looking for you. please don't ever forget me". it breaks my heart.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
hunter, mrs k., mary and the un-named doctor
later that night the teen girls went out to cause some good girl trouble
the aftermath of Halloween night the following morning!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
hunter the candy corn fairy and mary the bumble bee
they came to take pictures
peyton the cute chef and bailey the cat
obviously on this night his only true friends as they showed up on time and brought pizza
matt, mark and issaac finally showed up an hour late (when the girls had to leave)
well, the next time nate has a party, he may want to make sure the band is in town
(as many of his invites are in band....and well the band was in odessa)
they wound up playing video games and out of costume...and all was ok since that is what these guys really like to do!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
miss k is overall a very happy girl who has seen far too much in her young life. i think she has some unofficial adhd going on. i awoke this morning sick physically and emotionally of what i committed too. she is not good at going to sleep and has been a huge struggle these first 2 nights. she has probably never had any routine or positive discipline. i found myself doubting my ability and patience. almost wanting to give up before we have even got started in a routine and our lives at this time.
when i awoke i found myself pleading with heavenly father on what i did and all of my feelings that i have had over the past year. i thought please take her now because i can not do this.... i was able to grab half a second with steve, concerned about when i go back to work (as that needs to be soon), saying how are you going to be able to do this bed time fight, getting her up and ready in the morning on top of all of his stuff. reply: i will just do it. whats the big deal. really he is right. breakfast is done, hair is combed and we are in the car and i think...that was not so bad. i am a complete emotional freak questioning what is meant to be or not. and then i think (and really know) that i am afraid of the attachment that i will form.
so as the day progresses, we will take it one hour at at time.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
nate: whats for dinner?
me: i was thinking we should eat home and have chili dogs
nate: but it's taco tuesday night...cheap. well have chili dogs tomorrow before you go to work
me: (guilt that i have not cooked in far too long) we have no money
nate:come on...we'll do better the rest of the week
me:ok (caving in) as i know that when we go out to eat just mom and son...he divulges to me many things that may not have been said otherwise. after all, i know the nicknames to most of his friends and how cool is that.
oh heck i can rationalize forever...but after working the night before and sleeping most of the day, it is nice to get out and be enlightened by what my teenage son has to offer. at least, he provides a ray of sunshine to my life and to me that is priceless.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
I saw this on while blog surfing and thought it would be fun. not quite our bodies or hair...who really cares.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
then driving to work tonight i called to find out the floor i would be working on...only to find out that yes i was scheduled but for two different shifts and was told to return home and not come back until 11. i was also informed that they had taken me off my call shift for tonight meaning no bonus. can i say that this is one irritated nurse!!! hopefully my scheduled on call for tomorrow as was again rescheduled since 6:30 tonight. if not...i guess they will be working one nurse short tomorrow....and my plan to pay off my new couch won't happen for another few weeks.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
We were just recently approved now with a certificate in hand. No calls have yet to come our way and the new wait begins. I have learned that that the child that is supposed to come to you will, at the right time...but the wait can be excruciating. At times i think that i am more than ready and then i get a pit in my stomach. I think who would want to do this all over again as the child we already have will leave his nest in a few short years....then i remember...i would do it all over again. No questions asked. I just need to step back into this adventure and hope the right
child(ren) will soon come and hopefully be here to stay.
I often try to keep busy to avoid this topic, as i have learned that this has been the weed that has infested my life. i try not to think of it as a punishment from the good lord above (i like to think that heavenly father wants me happy). However, i do not understand this trial, or why druggies can have babies or how some are never happy even after having enough to fill a huge house. in my most quiet of moments i mourn for the life that as a young woman i dreamed i would have. this is not to say that i am not happy most of the time. i have been blessed with many good things. But in those darkest of hours, i am left to question the what ifs and contemplate the many mistakes that have been made.
those who have had these struggles of infertility and adoption say that after the trial ends that all the questioning and worries go away. i sure hope that we have a beautiful ending and that all this time of worrying, questioning and wondering will go away.
waiting for the 4-D movie at the aqaurium
Hunter and Aunt Chris
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
This day being a Sunday, the missionaries did not come with us and fulfilled their church duties. However, we were all lucky lucky enough to have mom could a great family meal!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Steve and Sue
Today was a four hour day of drive up north to Fresno and Coarsegold, Ca for a visit with Steve's mom Sue and sister Karyn. Steve has not had much of a relationship with his family in quite a long time and Nathan hardly knew his grandma Sue. We were all a bit nervous about how the visit would go. The reunion was a succcess and very enjoyable. Sue treated the gang to a good Italian dinner. The evening was spent getting caught up on each others lives, while Nathan and his cousin Tyler entertained themselves with a few hours of guitar hero.We took some pictures for the album. Sue made us a well needed breakfast the next morning and sent us towards our next destination with lots of snacks for the road. We hope to remain in contact more regularly and visit again soon :)
Steve with his grandma
Friday, July 4, 2008
Luck was on our side with all the paperwork as they accepted most of our transferred file. All needed courses on parenthood could be completed on line....I felt like I could finally breathe. But now is when my nerves, fear of rejection and mind take over. We had our home study, Steve hit it off well and was in and out of there. Nathan in his interview said he was "indifferent" to the whole thing (after all CPS showed no respect for his feelings). Then it was my turn....i was questioned quite a bit about what had happened with CPS. No big deal one would say as we lost our license r/t employment and a letter saying we were in good standing. But then me being the emotional girl that i am decides to have tears in her eyes as she recalls the time with the sweet baby girls. Yikes! what if i said too much. What if i am veiwed as too emotional. Afterall, the one rule with foster care i learned was to pretend you don't really care. The caseworker reassured me on the way out that she understood my feelings and said not too worry about it and gave a timeline to follow.
A week went by and i spoke with the worker and apologized for my tears once again...and again she said not too worry that she liked to see that i am compassionate. I am however anxious to get that final approval letter to put my fears to ease. Unless you have dealt with this kind of trial (infertility, waiting too long to adopt through LDS and then being told that we could not do fc any longer) on attempting to build your family...one may not be able to comprehend my fear of the rejection that we have encountered.
I hope that heavenly father sees our attempts at creating a bigger family. The efforts and emotions the three of us (and many good friends) have experienced and blesses us with a happy end to this journey.
Monday, June 30, 2008
i have to say that i really love steve and have moments in my life where we connect extra good. i have had a hard time the last couple of weeks in regards to going to church. i have good days and bad, but sometimes my life plans take over my emotions and l am left doing the woe is me. i had to leave church early sunday as this was one of those days. i could not stay any longer and look at all the beautiful children at church. i just fell into the mode of my life not being as planned. i am so grateful for the son that we do have...but it does not replace the longing and deep feeling that our family has never been completed. anyways, i came home with tears in my eyes as steve was surprised to see us so soon (he had to stay home for work). i briefly explained that i did not want to ruin the day by the one trial that has plagued our marriage. he new what i was talking about and took me in his arms and said well lets go make a baby then...i couldn't help but laugh since we both know it is not that simple. i made him take me shopping instead. i know...what sinners we are, but it distracted me for a bit.
steve and i have had plenty of good and more than our share of bad and rough patches together. we have grown up together and have helped each other grow. i am proud of the man he has become. steve cares deeply about his family and the community that he serves at work. i have learned many things from my husband as i believe he has learned a lot from me. we are opposites, but are able to balance each other out pretty well when we want. i continue to look forward to our lives together and the many adventures and (hopefully not too many more huge trials) to come. i just want to say that i love him deeply and that he is truly my best friend!
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Nate as Reverend Hale on the right. Unfortunately you have to
look past the lady that that ruined my photo op!
Tonight was Nathans first high school play. The Crucible was dark, wicked and the best production of the night. Reverend Hale had an awesome performance! The cast did a great job in breaking down the story into a 20 min play. If anyone remembers the story. Hale comes from out of town to help rid the town of all the witchcraft. For the play to be cut to fit the timing, all the characters acted in the dark evil chants scenes. then of course Hale had some scenes with the main characters. I must say that he had a major part.
No suprise as many know that Nate was in The Sound of MUsic last year with a major part as the butler. He truly has a talent for theatre. Not quite sure which side of the family the talent came from. I hope that we will see more productions in the next three years of school.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
i am fortunate to have a job that i usually like, but the expectations of society and the many business models have changed the focus of nursing. often, i feel like less than an adequate babysitter due to staffing ratios and a great legal drug dealer all in a night. i should not judge, but heaven forgive me i do. i just do not understand why a person would want to remain in a drug induced state. sometimes the amount of narcotics i give a single individual would place me six feet under. and yet, it hardly touches them or they are afraid to sleep and relax for fear that they will miss their next dose. now really, is this what life is supposed to be about. i have been yelled and cursed at more than my share in the last week. it is exhausting. management saying to make it right or the patient might go to another hospital....please go to that other hospital! then we can take care of the truly sick . and please do not preach to me any more about the fish philosophy. unless you can come out of your office and put on a pair of scrubs to work and see what is really going on outside of your closed door. maybe a good nap will change my mood.
i was filling out some forms yesterday that required copies of paystubs. as i was going about this once again annoying paper work, it dawned on me to actually look at my hours worked. it appears that really in all of these extra hours i have been doing, that i have not been paid for a portion either in hours of promised bonus money. not quite sure, but addition i do know how to do. arrgh. maybe this was a sign to just take a chill. steve has not said...dear go to work more...kel we don't want you home. nate has not said ...mom, please work so i don't have to see you. although, nathan has no problem saying mom can i have can i have....hahaha. some may say sarcastically, oh what a pity. i do not mean to wine and maybe all i really need is that nap. but work has a way of taking every little bit they can. it is a scarifice to my life to go in when they beg and plead. my house is in disarray, i lack sleep and get a little too grumpy. oh yeah, and don't ask me to really cook during these stretches. the least they can do, is give the money which was promised.
so i feel a little better now getting some of this off my chest. i will attempt to enjoy these next days off and mentally regroup to return to work with an improved attitude :)
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Kelsie, Miranda and Maddison
it is time for me to get over my hurt of the loss of these three sweet girls. the anger towards the system and very mean workers must exit my soul. therefore, i am making an entry dedicated to the time we shared. heavenly father sent these girls to us for a reason, whether the purpose was for them or us, we will not know until we meet again in the heavens. i am forever thankful for the memories created; even if they will never have a memory or thought of the times we shared. i will always wonder what they became and if their dreams were fulfilled. my mind is hopeful that i touched each of them in just the right way. i am hopeful that this chapter in my life was successful in its purpose. i would like to think this journey was just the beginning of something even better to come. i miss them and will always love these the little girls that came to our lives!
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
i was able to reflect this past week of the memories that i do have. mostly consisting of holidays, but sweet they are. i have very little regrets on this part of my life. i believe blaine and leona are both back together happily in the heavens above.
as for the day, i really enjoyed seeing everyone and getting caught up on life. one might say that my uncle eric and i never left the table with all the food. as the evening wound down, some went to the movies and others went hot tubing. neither sounded like a good option as i had an hour drive back to my father in laws. i stayed behind and spent some time just chatting and listening to summer, porter, sidney and i think tanner talk about their lives and interests with school. we then an attempted a game of pictionary and off to riverside i went.
the rest of the weekend was just as nice. larry treated me to three great meals and pleasant conversation. i was able to see grandpa "whitey" squires and fran while watching a session of conference. i also spent a little time with my parents who were temporarily away from their mission site.
a safe plane trip home and now its back to the grind....hoping for no more funerals any time soon!