update on an never ending saga

I am hesitant to let out my feelings on this subject of foster care...but then i remind myself that this is for whatever reason part of my journey in this life. We have again been approved to do foster care through a private agency. I want to be excited, but find myself really nervous at times. I am glad that we were approved, as i have had a hard time with the rejection that we have experienced. I often wonder how we could have been blessed with our son, who i think is smart, fun and a productive member in this world that we live in. i wonder why we have had such a long trial of trying to build our family.

We were just recently approved now with a certificate in hand. No calls have yet to come our way and the new wait begins. I have learned that that the child that is supposed to come to you will, at the right time...but the wait can be excruciating. At times i think that i am more than ready and then i get a pit in my stomach. I think who would want to do this all over again as the child we already have will leave his nest in a few short years....then i remember...i would do it all over again. No questions asked. I just need to step back into this adventure and hope the right
child(ren) will soon come and hopefully be here to stay.

I often try to keep busy to avoid this topic, as i have learned that this has been the weed that has infested my life. i try not to think of it as a punishment from the good lord above (i like to think that heavenly father wants me happy). However, i do not understand this trial, or why druggies can have babies or how some are never happy even after having enough to fill a huge house. in my most quiet of moments i mourn for the life that as a young woman i dreamed i would have. this is not to say that i am not happy most of the time. i have been blessed with many good things. But in those darkest of hours, i am left to question the what ifs and contemplate the many mistakes that have been made.

those who have had these struggles of infertility and adoption say that after the trial ends that all the questioning and worries go away. i sure hope that we have a beautiful ending and that all this time of worrying, questioning and wondering will go away.