Sunday, May 31, 2009


The topic today at our church service was on our ward missionaries and some of the missionaries thoughts. A family member of each missionary spoke. Steve spoke on behalf of my parents. His thoughts were very enlightening and showed how much respect he has for my parents. Excerpts from their letter also provided us how doing a service mission can still bring blessings to many. Along with talking about my parents and their service they are providing; Steve gave some nice thoughts as he reflected on his mission that he served as a young man in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. As we are raising a teenage boy, I hope that some of the messages today stick in his head. Nathaniel talks of going on a mission, in private to us. As his parents, we hope that he stays worthy and keeps this as a goal. I will always love missionaries and the sincere service that they provide.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Fort Worth Zoo

Diego and Oscar at the end of the day
The boys still have some spunk here
Kelly and Steve with two active nephews
Today was my work picnic and it happened to be at the Fort Worth Zoo. I was able to get tickets and we took Oscar and Diego for their birthdays. The weather was not too hot and the crowds not too bad. We walked the entire park in about 4 hours. Saw everyones favorite animals and some creapy ones too. Got off easy with the purchase of the boys hats. Over paid for drinks and dippin dots. Wore the boys out and finished the day with dinner at Mc Donalds (much cheaper than zoo food).

Thumbs Up To Hot Springs Arkansas

Last week, Steve and I went to Hot Springs, Arkansas for a little adventure.

Me enjoying a traditional bath

Can you see the steam from the hot spring?

I had been aching to go anywhere. This getaway was awesome and I enjoyed the time with Steve. Neither one of us new what to expect out of our chosen destination...but the verdict is that we will return again. However, this is not your place if you are totally into asthestics. You will find old history, broken tiles and make shift whirlpools in the bath houses. If you want some serious relaxation and some soft skin for a day or two, then a traditional bath is for you.
The question that first came to my mind wear a swim suit or not. We chose the not and to those who would are trully missing out on the true experience. You have your own personal attendant who escorts you around. First, it is to the 20 minute hot bath and scrub (yes, you are given a scrub from your attendant). Then it was off to the steam room, I chose the hot steam and all I could handle was maybe ten minutes. Next, the hot moist body wrap and a twenty minute relaxation period. Then it was a quick rinse off in the pencil shower. And finally, your attendant excorts you to the massage. My experience was precisely this and wonderful. However, Steve enjoyed the luxury that he did recieve. Unfortunately, there must have been a new male attendant and he left out half of the package. The attendants do see you naked, however, it is a pretty modest experience.
It was a complete down pour of rain on our full day there. Instead of doing as much hiking as I would have liked...we drove the mountains. We caught a good nap in our nice hotel, ate some great food and saw Star Trek. Arkansas was beautiful and the people were nice. Monday, was a little drizzly, but we were able to walk the bathhouse row and tour one of the original houses.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Grateful to be a mom

Mothers Day gift 2007 (fond memory) having my son and daughter

Mothers Day gift 2008 (and still blooming)

Mothers Day gift 2009 (shopping spree for Nate)

Best Mothers Day gift of all

Mom to Nathaniel

Mothers Day brought no worldy gifts to this mom this year. Momentary saddness in a wordly way. I had given Nate numerous hints over and over for almost a month for a charm bracelet that i wanted. Nate said, I had no money and if i was to get money from dad, then it would be a gift from dad and not me.....words for thought from a teen boy I guess. So we found ourselves at the outlet mall (after sleeping in and missing church) shopping for summer clothes for Nate. I hounded and teased him a bit for not buying his mom a gift. Sometime at the end of our shopping spree, Nate said mom, you had the priviledge of shopping for your son today! Yeah, I guess he was right. Good thing I love him.

Taste Addison

These boys actually do eat once in awhile

Issac, Mark, Matt and Nate
This past Saturday we went to one of our favorite events (Taste Addison). It is a fun day of eating lots of food, browsing expensive art and listening to free live music. This year Nate's buddies decided to come along, one extra body, which lead to one boy riding in the back of my blazer. I was glad to have them join us and amazed as they actually ate. With the exception of Nate, these boys never eat. The band this year was
Bowling for Soup. I am not quite sure what I think. The music was great...but the lyrics and show presentation was only ok. It does not matter though, because I love Taste Addison and we will go again next year!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Happy Early Mothers Day

I received this in the mail today and thought that I would share it with you
For A Wonderful Mom
Only angels love with God's unselfish love,
Only angels share the best of heaven above.
Only angels guide with tried and true advice,
Only angels smile with every sacrifice--
Only angels see with God's forgiving eyes--
Could it be that moms are angels in disguise?
Thinking of all the wonderful things
you do and celebrating the
angel of a mom you are.
Happy Mother's Day!

Sunday, May 3, 2009


I do not even know where to begin. It is a saga that I seem to not let end. The same answer keeps coming to me each and every time almost pretty blatant now. Stubbornness on my end is obviously a great down fall on my part. I guess I will just let it out. So much to say even when I had planned to keep it quiet to the majority.

I had applied to adopt an LDS girl....and too my surprise...after a couple of weeks of grueling questioning, we were chose. We were notified officially last Thursday night. I was estatic and relieved....finally we had found the child that I had been searching for for years. I had only told a select few...which my first clue that this could go wrong was by the mix of responses I received. We agreed to move forward. The contract is currently in negotiations at this time and we were told the goal for placement would be the last week in July. Yesterday, "Miss ?", had an "incident" to which was of serious nature. I was not initially too concerned, but as the hours and events continue to roll on....the nature is very concerning to me. I will still request to review "Miss ?" file, probably to confirm my feelings. But at this time, it looks as if we will not proceed any further.

Sadness is all that I can think! And for many reasons besides my own selfish desires. I can not get out of my head the thought that Nathaniel is an only child. It was never in MY plans. It breaks my heart. I love having siblings. There is something to be said about family.

Now I know that Nathaniel does not mind being an only child. He used to express it a lot. Not so much anymore, as he has been very supportive in foster care and attempting to adopt. But it will not be until years from now that the realization of not having a sibling will set in. I hope that he will be married and have his own children; but one day his parents will not be on this earth and that can leave a deep loneliness. Another thing that makes me sad on his behalf is the thought of growing old. As we age (hopefully healthy), there will come a time that we may need help, and the burden will lie solely on him.

But this is not the only reason why I have searched, hoped and attempted all routes that I was familiar with, for an addition to the family. There have been two distinct times in my adulthood that I had a strong feeling there was another child waiting to come. The first was when Nathan was a small child. The second was when Nathan was about 10. This time was even more distinct and I remember it vividly. I was in a very peaceful place where no evil could enter. And I knew with assurity that our future child was trying to find their way to us.

Now, I no longer believe that God rewards those who "are good or extra righteous" with being blessed with children. I think a lot of times it is just plain good luck. Healthy baby making genes, good money, or the right connections and even possibly lucking into a situation. I am no longer feeled with sadness that leads to depression over the issue. More puzzled if anything. I was at church today in the nursery ( I am one of the teachers), and another woman said to me..."you are always so good with the kids". This was a compliment that I hear quite a bit....and guess does not mean you will be blessed with children (a little sarcasm). And no it does not make it easier working in nursery or even going to church each week (tangent).

I know that our family is missing someone and I have now come to a point where this can no longer consume me. I have to let it come to a close. I know I have said this before...but goodness...Nathaniel turns 16 this summer and we have been pursuing this pretty heavy (for our minimal resources $) since Nathan was eight. It has taken a toll on our marriage. Some days, I think that my husband, that I love with all my heart, can hardly see me as anything other than a woman on the search for a child. Sad! and only my assumption.

We still have our foster care license and it will be valid until February 2011. However, I do not think I want to pursue fostering anymore. I am a horrible foster parent. I have fallen completely in love with each of our girls.I have given them a part of my heart. I still mourn Miranda deeply. I imagine what she looks like, how her demeanor is and if her hearing is good. Maddi, I do not miss as much, but that could be I talk with her adoptive mom every once and awhile. Kelsey was so small without any flaws. I miss "Miss K" for her hyperactivity/spirit and the love she gained in her short month and a half with us. I sometimes pray that her mom would mess up while our license is still good. I just do not have the emotional strength to do this too much more, if at all. It does not change my feelings of our family not being complete. But defeat might be the best route to take.

I am a very selfish mother. There are days when I want to keep Nathan completely to myself. I want him near me even we are doing our own thing. But I am a good mother to him and I know it is important to let him have a life. To go out into the world and explore life with friends and activities. I need to relish the time that we have with him home now, rather than think of what my life will be like when he no longer lives in our abode.

So all I can say is far too much contemplation since last night. My mind is in over drive. Sad for the events of infertility and unsuccessful adoption. Joy that I did have time with our four sweet girls. A desire to be hopeful that we may receive that unexpected call for the child that has been searching us out for all this time. Hopeful that happiness is in the future for me and my partner that I oh so love.

If you should read this and feel the desire to leave a comment, please do. However, please don't approach me out in public about this post, as I had really hoped to not tell too many until everything was almost final. Therapy was my sole purpose of this entry. If I was a better writer, I would consider writing a book since I know there has to be others out there like me. But since my writing is only mediocre, my blog is the lucky tablet.