Saturday, February 27, 2010

What If...

(journal entry Feb 19)
What if you went to the doctor one day and found out that you could actually have something serious? What if you had to decide to have your children tested for something they really could care less about at this time in their life? What if you woke up one day and had the realization that life might be shorted than you would want? What if you knew you had to change your work situation and just did not know where to begin? What if  you also had a reality check of the extra twenty pounds that crept up on you....and that summer will soon be here and your body is not ready for that bikini. One can only make assumptions to their answers until you really have to decide. So what if?

Retail Therapy

Today called for my usual Saturday with Steve. Our regular trip to Costco for lunch, then the shopping bug struck. I had tried to shop for shoes yesterday without any luck. Lets say, I more than made up for it today....three pairs for me and one for my hunny...a new shirt and a pair of pants later and I was begging Steve to take me home before anymore wallet damage could occur.

Does Retail therapy solve any of my problems or issues that have come to pass. No....but my feet will sure look good in my new finds.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Faith and Prayer

(journal entry from feb 8, 2010)

I keep having this thought come into my head for a week or so now. Did you think to pray? I can not remember the last time I truly prayed. I can not remember when I stopped praying. Was it when I realized that I would not become pregnant again. Was it when they took our last foster daughter from us and placed her back with a lousy mother. Was it when I started to pray that I would just have peace with the whole building the family issue and that answer never came. Could it be the last time I went to church and really felt welcome. There are a lot of what ifs....and I just don't know. Occasionally, I feel the need to thank my Heavenly Father for the good health and the blessing of being alive. Daily in my heart, I am grateful for having been blessed with Nathaniel. Often, I am thankful for the strength that I have to be stubborn enough to keep going and hoping for a positive outlook to my life.

But the question still is not answered. Did you think to pray? I guess my answer has been no for some time. Now do I just wake up one day and decide to pray again....I do not know. I do not know if prayers are really ever answered. I used to believe that if you pray diligently and were faithful, answers would eventually come. But my eyes have been opened to a different world. One that is not always good like many people in church preach. I did pray with all my heart and soul. I did fulfill religious obligations faithfully. And still....I have yet to recognize my answers to many prayers. So do I start to pray about the purpose of prayer?

I do not need attacks, but welcome thoughtful comments.

I am now 39

This past Friday I turned the last number before the BIG 40. Wow another year older and hopefully a little more wiser. I can not believe this will be my last year in the 30's. I do not feel close to the BIG 40. However, one can not stop time. The morning started off with Nathaniel being his obnoxious self. NO happy birthday to mom, no early morning hugs and intentionally trying to push my emotional button. Yes, that is how my one and only left for school. No call from my husband to pretend like he really cared. His excuse, I did not give him time to call....hmmm. At least I had lunch to look forward to. Lunch with my February birthday friend Lisa and nonbirthday month friend Leslie.

Nate came home from swim practice and tossed my present at me. Yummy dark chocolate!!! He did remember or least take the hints I threw out daily. My awesome sis-in-law delivered an individual chocolate bundt cake (too die for I might add). Steve made it home and off to dinner we went with my parents. We enjoyed Pei Wei and then Braums for dessert. My parents gave me some bath gel and hot rollers (which I have been wanting to try out for sometime now). Saturday, Steve bought me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers and a book that I could not put down while at Costco. No gift bought ahead of time....but one truly from his heart at that moment....and that is good enough for me.

Now I have some reflections of birthdays and age. As many of those close to me know, I am trying my darndest to slow down time. Not because I am afraid to age, but because I dread the day that Nathaniel will graduate and venture out on his own. My life did not turn into the life that I had planned and dreamed of. I did not want to be 40 and be considered an empty nester. The whole term scares me. Being in that bracket and just not quite fitting in anywhere. As for aging, I think I am aging ok. Now as for birthday presents and sentimentals....I am a big kid at heart. I want my husband and son to dote on me. But there is more to me nagging my son about gifts and remembering. I am trying to teach him the importance of these goofy things for his future girlfriends and eventually wife and family. So he can develop these habits now and hopefully keep them long after he is married (and maybe give his dad a few hints). My last rant is that I hope that I have learned something leading up to this day. I hope that I can reflect back and say YES I am a little more wiser.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Alpha 1 Antitrypsin

After a year of coughing, a few doctor appointments, a CT Scan of the lungs, a PFT and loads of blood work and I now have my answer to why this obnoxious cough is still apart of my life. It was not the answer I was expecting....but it was an answer indeed. My Ct scan of my lungs was pretty unremarkable. My pulmonary test was so-so. However, when one goes digging for answers, one should not be suprised with the results. And the conversation with my pulmonologist started off something like this..."Kelly your labs showed something, but I don't want you to go and read too deep into this....". Knowing very well that I would.

My immunity blood tests revealed that I am a carrier of Alpha 1 Antitrypsin or AAT. Meaning this is a genetic condition leading to a missing protien in the liver that affects both the liver and the lungs. The enzymes main purpose is to protect the lungs from inflammation. Those with the full blown disease wind up with severe respiratory or liver conditions which can lead to a need for transplants or early death. Those that fall in between usually have COPD, emphysema or basic liver complications.

Being that I am a nurse, I often care for patients with these horrible conditions and symptoms. I understand how sick it can make a person. This does not excite me nor does it make me want to progress past being a carrier. But it does help me understand some of my respiratory issues over the years. My lung collapsing, frequent pneumonia, sensitivity to smoke...I could go on.

Now I have a choice....I can let my hypochondria kick in...or I can use this knowledge and change some of my try to keep the AAT at bay and hopefully not progress any further. Overall, I live a pretty healthy lifestyle. Somethings definatetly have room for improvement i.e. better eating habits, increased exercise and wearing a mask when I do construction and dust producing activities. I will also need to have yearly pulmonary function tests to monitor my lung capacity.

The statistics show that 1 in every 2500-3000 are carriers. Often leading to certain conditions being misdiagnoses. I have attached a link for anyone that is curious to find out more.


Sunday, February 14, 2010

Snow the next day

Not much else to say that the pictures can depict. It will be a nice memory to know that we were living in Texas when a record snow fall was had.

 This was taken about 11:30pm the night of the blizzard

The thick snow slowly sliding off the nova

I don't think Steve ever would have predicted that his practical skills from living back east would have been put to use while living in DFW

The snowman that Nate and I built with grandma
Nate had added an appendage on to the snowman,
but grandma didn't find it too humurous, so Nate removed it

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Snow day in Texas

Today we awoke to a snow day (#5 for this season I believe). We have had snow every year since being here, however, I think this is the most snow yet. And it is nice fluffy snow! Nathaniel suckered me into letting him stay the was released early and cancelled tomorrow. I guess it is now a four day weekend. After letting him sleep, it was time to play. Here are some pictures to enjoy:
Colonel Mustard is showing a good measure to the snow as of 8am
Picture says it all
We don't build snowmen...we build a snow spike
I had to drag Axel back in...thought his hands were going to fall off
don't pay attention to the eye bags/circles...I was having fun
Nate warming back up while I was chasing Axel

I am enjoying the day and look forward to seeing what else the day may bring. Maybe cleaning out the craft closet or doing one of my many crafts that I have not had time to do....We'll see.