(journal entry from feb 8, 2010)
I keep having this thought come into my head for a week or so now. Did you think to pray? I can not remember the last time I truly prayed. I can not remember when I stopped praying. Was it when I realized that I would not become pregnant again. Was it when they took our last foster daughter from us and placed her back with a lousy mother. Was it when I started to pray that I would just have peace with the whole building the family issue and that answer never came. Could it be the last time I went to church and really felt welcome. There are a lot of what ifs....and I just don't know. Occasionally, I feel the need to thank my Heavenly Father for the good health and the blessing of being alive. Daily in my heart, I am grateful for having been blessed with Nathaniel. Often, I am thankful for the strength that I have to be stubborn enough to keep going and hoping for a positive outlook to my life.
But the question still is not answered. Did you think to pray? I guess my answer has been no for some time. Now do I just wake up one day and decide to pray again....I do not know. I do not know if prayers are really ever answered. I used to believe that if you pray diligently and were faithful, answers would eventually come. But my eyes have been opened to a different world. One that is not always good like many people in church preach. I did pray with all my heart and soul. I did fulfill religious obligations faithfully. And still....I have yet to recognize my answers to many prayers. So do I start to pray about the purpose of prayer?
I do not need attacks, but welcome thoughtful comments.
Hi Kelly,
ReplyDeleteCheck your email.
xo
I have often been frustrated with the same thing. Recently, I desperately needed an answer to a prayer that just wasn't coming. Within 2 days my bishop called me in to meet with him on a Tuesday. As soon as I walked in his office he hugged me and gave me the exact answer I was looking for. Sure I was frustrated...thinking only he could receive my answer?!? But I also realized, answers come, just maybe not how we want them to, or when we want them. NEVER GIVE UP! I love you!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to wish you a belated birthday. I thought about you on your birthday, if that makes a difference. I wish you lived closer so we could do stuff together. You hang in there. One thing I have learned about praying is that our prayers are answered, but not always when we want them to be. Some of my prayers have been answered many decades later and unfortunatly some I am still waiting on. Sometimes I feel no answer just might be the answer for now. One thing I do know is that God is with us and he does hear us and he does answer us, and he is still trying to teach me to be patient. I love you Kelly. 39 wow it can't be.
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome and when are you coming to visit me.
ReplyDelete