(journal entry from feb 8, 2010)
I keep having this thought come into my head for a week or so now. Did you think to pray? I can not remember the last time I truly prayed. I can not remember when I stopped praying. Was it when I realized that I would not become pregnant again. Was it when they took our last foster daughter from us and placed her back with a lousy mother. Was it when I started to pray that I would just have peace with the whole building the family issue and that answer never came. Could it be the last time I went to church and really felt welcome. There are a lot of what ifs....and I just don't know. Occasionally, I feel the need to thank my Heavenly Father for the good health and the blessing of being alive. Daily in my heart, I am grateful for having been blessed with Nathaniel. Often, I am thankful for the strength that I have to be stubborn enough to keep going and hoping for a positive outlook to my life.
But the question still is not answered. Did you think to pray? I guess my answer has been no for some time. Now do I just wake up one day and decide to pray again....I do not know. I do not know if prayers are really ever answered. I used to believe that if you pray diligently and were faithful, answers would eventually come. But my eyes have been opened to a different world. One that is not always good like many people in church preach. I did pray with all my heart and soul. I did fulfill religious obligations faithfully. And still....I have yet to recognize my answers to many prayers. So do I start to pray about the purpose of prayer?
I do not need attacks, but welcome thoughtful comments.