Sunday, July 26, 2009


It will be one week tomorrow that I had my hysterectomy. To be completely honest, I have felt beyond tired and the simplest activities wipe me out. I finally showered yesterday (i know gross) I felt clean and totally exhausted afterwards. I must say that I have had a more difficult time than I had anticipated. My blood pressure was real low in the hospital, my nausea was more than I could handle and for a day I could not pee. Overall, I have not allowed myself to think about my decision to end all childbearing possibilities. I am afraid that if I reflect on that yet, my strength may never return. I just make sure I get up and allow Steve to take me out of the house a little each day. Both Steve and Nate have been great. I am also grateful for all of my church friends who have brought us meals.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

My family that wasn't

I have sat in church the past two Sundays unable to concentrate on the speakers or messages being given. My mind has wandered into a place that was not meant to be. As I have looked around at all the young and not so young families, I have just marveled at how lucky they are to have their children. I have wondered if these families have even stopped to ponder how lucky they really are. During these hours of dreaming, I have pictured my mom and dad with me and my sisters (and later my brother). I picture them with us young girls in church....juggling the ends and outs of most families. The joy they must have felt.

I often wonder how we would have been with the three or four children (two would have been nice in the end) that I had hoped for. Would Nathaniel be more sensitive or more bossy? I can go on and on with my what ifs. For a short time, I was able to experience having another child in our family....and we did handle it nicely. We do have memories....and yes, Nate was very sweet to the babies and nine year old that lived with us.

My immediate family has changed over the years. We are not what we were years ago. Before our move to Texas, we had weekly family nights...playing a game and eating cinnamon rolls, dinner at the table every night. Lots of memories and smiles. Not that we do not have those now. But Texas brought a lot of trials we could not have even imagined back then. Infertility, attempting to adopt, foster care (marriage took a beating here), lots of schooling (mostly on Steve's end), our once young and happy child becoming a man and finding his place in this world (Nate has an odd sense of humor and is very much a combination of both his parents and more). Some ugly trials between mom and dad. But their has also been a sense of overcoming many of these trials that were unexpected. Learning and practicing forgiveness. And most importantly, acknowledging our success and dedication to one another.

All of this reflecting and questioning comes right before my scheduled hysterectomy tomorrow. This is a closure to any possible reproducing...but will it provide closure to my heart and mind. Am I doing the right thing...or am I setting myself up for a different struggle? I feel that this is good thing to do for my physical health (hoping emotionally too). Anyone that knows Steve and I, know that we would welcome a child if given the opportunity. However, I have to try and not think of this any longer. I have to look to the new journeys that lie ahead, hoping that God has a nice plan for me to where I can feel peace, happiness and success. I have to forgive myself for the failure of not creating the family that I dreamed of for most of my marriage...for the way that this changed who we are and probably reflected in who Nathan has become.

So as this day is near end and the surgery approaches, I will reflect upon the blessing that Steve and a dear friend gave me on this day.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


The word girlfriend can mean something different to everyone. The dictionary defines the word as "a frequent or favorite female companion". I have always believed it is better to have a few true girlfriends that I can count on one hand rather than a ton. I am lucky to be able to say that there are three friends who I consider very dear. Each of these friendships developed in different chapters of my life. The saying goes there is a reason for every season.

Becky Davis
I met Becky this past year through our sons high school swim team. We clicked immediately and I soon recruited her into helping me as team mom. Becky is easy going and fun. We both have teenage boys that are heading into their junior year in school. We are able to relate to each other as our sons give us grief (meant lovenly of course). Becky has shown me that it is okay that Nate is getting older and will soon leave our nest. I have been able to see that their is a new and hopefully exciting new chapter to enter in to. We love to hang out doing just about anything. We talk about having some getaways with and without our spouses. I love Becky as she would get along totally with my other two favorite girlfriends.

Melissa Westlake
Melissa came into my life when we were in the process of trying to adopt. I remember her coming to my house and writing an article on our family to attempt to help us with this endeavor. Initially we connected through infertility/adoption as we were both had experience with these struggles. Our friendship only became stronger. Until she moved, we had weekly lunches (many times with her driving as i was sleepy from working the night before) and were together sometimes more than we saw our husbands. Melissa is awesome, shares many beliefs and has many secrets from our girl getaway! I miss our hanging out immensely. I also love Melissa because she calls me aunt kelly to her girls.

Joann Anderson
What can I say...Joann and I have been friends since childhood. We grew up in the same ward at church. We used to share lunch trays from the cafateria together in high school. She has memories of my VW Bug. Joann was in my wedding. Nate and her daughter Leanna were born within a month or two of each other. I can say a lot more....but most of all...I am able to say that our friendship has endured many trials and for a long time (even with us always living in different states).
I am grateful to these girlfriends and for the events that brought us together. The memories have been great and I look forward to our friendship continuing and many memories to come!