I have sat in church the past two Sundays unable to concentrate on the speakers or messages being given. My mind has wandered into a place that was not meant to be. As I have looked around at all the young and not so young families, I have just marveled at how lucky they are to have their children. I have wondered if these families have even stopped to ponder how lucky they really are. During these hours of dreaming, I have pictured my mom and dad with me and my sisters (and later my brother). I picture them with us young girls in church....juggling the ends and outs of most families. The joy they must have felt.
I often wonder how we would have been with the three or four children (two would have been nice in the end) that I had hoped for. Would Nathaniel be more sensitive or more bossy? I can go on and on with my what ifs. For a short time, I was able to experience having another child in our family....and we did handle it nicely. We do have memories....and yes, Nate was very sweet to the babies and nine year old that lived with us.
My immediate family has changed over the years. We are not what we were years ago. Before our move to Texas, we had weekly family nights...playing a game and eating cinnamon rolls, dinner at the table every night. Lots of memories and smiles. Not that we do not have those now. But Texas brought a lot of trials we could not have even imagined back then. Infertility, attempting to adopt, foster care (marriage took a beating here), lots of schooling (mostly on Steve's end), our once young and happy child becoming a man and finding his place in this world (Nate has an odd sense of humor and is very much a combination of both his parents and more). Some ugly trials between mom and dad. But their has also been a sense of overcoming many of these trials that were unexpected. Learning and practicing forgiveness. And most importantly, acknowledging our success and dedication to one another.
All of this reflecting and questioning comes right before my scheduled hysterectomy tomorrow. This is a closure to any possible reproducing...but will it provide closure to my heart and mind. Am I doing the right thing...or am I setting myself up for a different struggle? I feel that this is good thing to do for my physical health (hoping emotionally too). Anyone that knows Steve and I, know that we would welcome a child if given the opportunity. However, I have to try and not think of this any longer. I have to look to the new journeys that lie ahead, hoping that God has a nice plan for me to where I can feel peace, happiness and success. I have to forgive myself for the failure of not creating the family that I dreamed of for most of my marriage...for the way that this changed who we are and probably reflected in who Nathan has become.
So as this day is near end and the surgery approaches, I will reflect upon the blessing that Steve and a dear friend gave me on this day.