Sunday, May 3, 2009

Contemplating

I do not even know where to begin. It is a saga that I seem to not let end. The same answer keeps coming to me each and every time almost pretty blatant now. Stubbornness on my end is obviously a great down fall on my part. I guess I will just let it out. So much to say even when I had planned to keep it quiet to the majority.

I had applied to adopt an LDS girl....and too my surprise...after a couple of weeks of grueling questioning, we were chose. We were notified officially last Thursday night. I was estatic and relieved....finally we had found the child that I had been searching for for years. I had only told a select few...which my first clue that this could go wrong was by the mix of responses I received. We agreed to move forward. The contract is currently in negotiations at this time and we were told the goal for placement would be the last week in July. Yesterday, "Miss ?", had an "incident" to which was of serious nature. I was not initially too concerned, but as the hours and events continue to roll on....the nature is very concerning to me. I will still request to review "Miss ?" file, probably to confirm my feelings. But at this time, it looks as if we will not proceed any further.

Sadness is all that I can think! And for many reasons besides my own selfish desires. I can not get out of my head the thought that Nathaniel is an only child. It was never in MY plans. It breaks my heart. I love having siblings. There is something to be said about family.

Now I know that Nathaniel does not mind being an only child. He used to express it a lot. Not so much anymore, as he has been very supportive in foster care and attempting to adopt. But it will not be until years from now that the realization of not having a sibling will set in. I hope that he will be married and have his own children; but one day his parents will not be on this earth and that can leave a deep loneliness. Another thing that makes me sad on his behalf is the thought of growing old. As we age (hopefully healthy), there will come a time that we may need help, and the burden will lie solely on him.

But this is not the only reason why I have searched, hoped and attempted all routes that I was familiar with, for an addition to the family. There have been two distinct times in my adulthood that I had a strong feeling there was another child waiting to come. The first was when Nathan was a small child. The second was when Nathan was about 10. This time was even more distinct and I remember it vividly. I was in a very peaceful place where no evil could enter. And I knew with assurity that our future child was trying to find their way to us.

Now, I no longer believe that God rewards those who "are good or extra righteous" with being blessed with children. I think a lot of times it is just plain good luck. Healthy baby making genes, good money, or the right connections and even possibly lucking into a situation. I am no longer feeled with sadness that leads to depression over the issue. More puzzled if anything. I was at church today in the nursery ( I am one of the teachers), and another woman said to me..."you are always so good with the kids". This was a compliment that I hear quite a bit....and guess what....it does not mean you will be blessed with children (a little sarcasm). And no it does not make it easier working in nursery or even going to church each week (tangent).

I know that our family is missing someone and I have now come to a point where this can no longer consume me. I have to let it come to a close. I know I have said this before...but goodness...Nathaniel turns 16 this summer and we have been pursuing this pretty heavy (for our minimal resources $) since Nathan was eight. It has taken a toll on our marriage. Some days, I think that my husband, that I love with all my heart, can hardly see me as anything other than a woman on the search for a child. Sad! and only my assumption.

We still have our foster care license and it will be valid until February 2011. However, I do not think I want to pursue fostering anymore. I am a horrible foster parent. I have fallen completely in love with each of our girls.I have given them a part of my heart. I still mourn Miranda deeply. I imagine what she looks like, how her demeanor is and if her hearing is good. Maddi, I do not miss as much, but that could be I talk with her adoptive mom every once and awhile. Kelsey was so small without any flaws. I miss "Miss K" for her hyperactivity/spirit and the love she gained in her short month and a half with us. I sometimes pray that her mom would mess up while our license is still good. I just do not have the emotional strength to do this too much more, if at all. It does not change my feelings of our family not being complete. But defeat might be the best route to take.

I am a very selfish mother. There are days when I want to keep Nathan completely to myself. I want him near me even we are doing our own thing. But I am a good mother to him and I know it is important to let him have a life. To go out into the world and explore life with friends and activities. I need to relish the time that we have with him home now, rather than think of what my life will be like when he no longer lives in our abode.

So all I can say is far too much contemplation since last night. My mind is in over drive. Sad for the events of infertility and unsuccessful adoption. Joy that I did have time with our four sweet girls. A desire to be hopeful that we may receive that unexpected call for the child that has been searching us out for all this time. Hopeful that happiness is in the future for me and my partner that I oh so love.

If you should read this and feel the desire to leave a comment, please do. However, please don't approach me out in public about this post, as I had really hoped to not tell too many until everything was almost final. Therapy was my sole purpose of this entry. If I was a better writer, I would consider writing a book since I know there has to be others out there like me. But since my writing is only mediocre, my blog is the lucky tablet.

10 comments:

  1. Just try to remember your Eternal Perspective. You are my prayers. I'm here if you ever need me!

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  2. I just found your blog. My heart aches for you. Infertility is so cruel! I wish I could do something to help ease your heartache. You are in my prayers.

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  3. Kelly you are so brave to post these intimate feelings of yours. I truly ache for you.
    Infertility truly is cruel. And it is so sad to know that there are thousands of kids out there who want a home and a family and the red tape that keeps the kids and the potential families apart is sickening.
    Love you!! ♥

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  4. Oh Kelly, You have truly been down a very difficult road...I am so sorry for your loss and losses of your sweet foster daughters. I hope your heart feels peaceful today.
    Sending prayers and big ((((((HUGS)))))).

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  5. I am the adoptive mom to 7 beautiful children and I also teach adoption classes. If you have the energy left in you, I would love to help.

    mom2khmertwins@yahoo.com

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  6. I am so sorry Kelly!! I can feel your hurt through your post :(

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  7. Oh what a heartbreaking post... but I think you have come to a powerful realization that I came to a few years ago... it is NOT about what God wants you to have or does not want you to have. Because any loving God of course would choose to send a child to your sweet family and not the abusive drug addict down the street. It actually is luck or just MORTALITY that calls the shots. God is just there to help us through whatever mortality has in store. I have struggled to get pregant too... did a few inexpensive fertility treatments. In fact we have wanted to have another child, but have not. I am so GRATEFUL to have the 3 we have... I am lucky. Life is crazy and unfair. Please find comfort in knowing that it is not God's wishes that you not have more children. I will pray for your peace and for you to come to a place that feels right without the longing and searching that plagues you now. Know that you are loved dear friend!

    -Tracey

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