i do not even know where to begin. my mind is so beyond tired. it feels as all i have done for the last month or so is work at plaza. don't take it wrong, as i am glad to have a job that can crank out the dough, but some days i wonder at what cost to me. i have been working what seems like three 12hr night shifts a week during this period. and all who know me, understand that i am not one that gets too excited about working more than i need to. however, it has been great to pay the bills and have cash left over in the end. i was hoping to pump out some more plaza medical center until the end of may and then let summer break begin. but let me say, that i have reached my level of patience tonight.
i am fortunate to have a job that i usually like, but the expectations of society and the many business models have changed the focus of nursing. often, i feel like less than an adequate babysitter due to staffing ratios and a great legal drug dealer all in a night. i should not judge, but heaven forgive me i do. i just do not understand why a person would want to remain in a drug induced state. sometimes the amount of narcotics i give a single individual would place me six feet under. and yet, it hardly touches them or they are afraid to sleep and relax for fear that they will miss their next dose. now really, is this what life is supposed to be about. i have been yelled and cursed at more than my share in the last week. it is exhausting. management saying to make it right or the patient might go to another hospital....please go to that other hospital! then we can take care of the truly sick . and please do not preach to me any more about the fish philosophy. unless you can come out of your office and put on a pair of scrubs to work and see what is really going on outside of your closed door. maybe a good nap will change my mood.
i was filling out some forms yesterday that required copies of paystubs. as i was going about this once again annoying paper work, it dawned on me to actually look at my hours worked. it appears that really in all of these extra hours i have been doing, that i have not been paid for a portion either in hours of promised bonus money. not quite sure, but addition i do know how to do. arrgh. maybe this was a sign to just take a chill. steve has not said...dear go to work more...kel we don't want you home. nate has not said ...mom, please work so i don't have to see you. although, nathan has no problem saying mom can i have can i have....hahaha. some may say sarcastically, oh what a pity. i do not mean to wine and maybe all i really need is that nap. but work has a way of taking every little bit they can. it is a scarifice to my life to go in when they beg and plead. my house is in disarray, i lack sleep and get a little too grumpy. oh yeah, and don't ask me to really cook during these stretches. the least they can do, is give the money which was promised.
so i feel a little better now getting some of this off my chest. i will attempt to enjoy these next days off and mentally regroup to return to work with an improved attitude :)