miss k who is 9 came to live with us this past monday night. she came as a foster placement only and could leave us as early as next thursday or stay as long as jan. we are not sure yet. and having adoption as our goal, why we felt inspired to accept k is puzzling to me. her history is sad and the court system does not do these children any justice....strictly about family reunification no matter the price. sad!
miss k is overall a very happy girl who has seen far too much in her young life. i think she has some unofficial adhd going on. i awoke this morning sick physically and emotionally of what i committed too. she is not good at going to sleep and has been a huge struggle these first 2 nights. she has probably never had any routine or positive discipline. i found myself doubting my ability and patience. almost wanting to give up before we have even got started in a routine and our lives at this time.
when i awoke i found myself pleading with heavenly father on what i did and all of my feelings that i have had over the past year. i thought please take her now because i can not do this.... i was able to grab half a second with steve, concerned about when i go back to work (as that needs to be soon), saying how are you going to be able to do this bed time fight, getting her up and ready in the morning on top of all of his stuff. reply: i will just do it. whats the big deal. really he is right. breakfast is done, hair is combed and we are in the car and i think...that was not so bad. i am a complete emotional freak questioning what is meant to be or not. and then i think (and really know) that i am afraid of the attachment that i will form.
so as the day progresses, we will take it one hour at at time.