Friday, July 4, 2008

fear in the wee hours of the night

I don't know what it is about the mind and the late night thoughts that intrude on relaxation. Or if it is just my fear of rejection one more time? It must have been the last week in may when I decided to take one more chance with foster care and attempting to hopefully have a success in completing our family. I knew we could not go back to the state as steves job somehow is a conflict of interest. I turned to Lutheran Social Services and after grilling the workers on if this would be possible to go through their agency and everything that we had already gone through...I decided to go for it one last time.

Luck was on our side with all the paperwork as they accepted most of our transferred file. All needed courses on parenthood could be completed on line....I felt like I could finally breathe. But now is when my nerves, fear of rejection and mind take over. We had our home study, Steve hit it off well and was in and out of there. Nathan in his interview said he was "indifferent" to the whole thing (after all CPS showed no respect for his feelings). Then it was my turn....i was questioned quite a bit about what had happened with CPS. No big deal one would say as we lost our license r/t employment and a letter saying we were in good standing. But then me being the emotional girl that i am decides to have tears in her eyes as she recalls the time with the sweet baby girls. Yikes! what if i said too much. What if i am veiwed as too emotional. Afterall, the one rule with foster care i learned was to pretend you don't really care. The caseworker reassured me on the way out that she understood my feelings and said not too worry about it and gave a timeline to follow.

A week went by and i spoke with the worker and apologized for my tears once again...and again she said not too worry that she liked to see that i am compassionate. I am however anxious to get that final approval letter to put my fears to ease. Unless you have dealt with this kind of trial (infertility, waiting too long to adopt through LDS and then being told that we could not do fc any longer) on attempting to build your may not be able to comprehend my fear of the rejection that we have encountered.

I hope that heavenly father sees our attempts at creating a bigger family. The efforts and emotions the three of us (and many good friends) have experienced and blesses us with a happy end to this journey.

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