Not in the right mind frame for work

  Sometimes when I am at work, finishing up work and attempting to recover from work....I am just so totally overwhelmed. I think....how did I get to this point....how did I ever make it to becoming a nurse. Being a nurse is just sometimes downright HARD! I think that I am just not smart enough to fulfill the expectations that are placed upon me while you are in my care. I become frustrated with myself when I miss little signs that really are not that little. I become irritated easily with the big PSYCH word. I am not that young of a nurse. I should have more confidence and knowledge in the areas that I practice. I should make my brain remember more.
   But I am not that nurse at this time in my life. This is not my focus and has not been from almost the beginning. Becoming a nurse was a means to making money and having great flexibility. It was meant to allow me to be home with the other children that were supposed to enter our lives. I had fought against my plight of working and fell into this career. Don't get me wrong...I worked hard to get here. I do not have regrets about earning my degree and license. I do have knowledge and skills. I am definately a people person and thrive on a fast paced environment.  This just was not my plan and I am tired.
   My two shifts this week were overwhelming and just plain exhausting. I had a hard time staying awake during both shifts (usually not a big issue). My mind waundered on the first night. I could not focus and did not have the energy to want to put out the extra effort needed. I did not connect all the dots....fortunately it did not lead to any misfortunes. Usually I make myself wake up around 3pm to relax, check email and think about dinner. It was all I could do to make myself get up 1 1/2  hours later than normal.
   I walked into work with a foggy mind. I should have took it as a sign to how the night was to go. I craved had to have a diet coke from the start. I walked into my assignment to a big "I'm sorry" from the nurse giving me report. I was the fortunate one to have suicide watch. Bipolar, herione user, suicidal patient totally in the manic phase. The adrenaline was flowing for everyone. Negative energy was definately in the air...sigh. My time was now consumed for kicking family out, explaining to the drug addict signifigant other she could not stay the night, having to have nursing administration and security as back up. Luckily, my other patients were not needy. It took a few hours of calmness, listening, acknowledging and then providing my drug addict/psych patient more narcotics to allow us to have the last 8 hours to go smooth. I lived and my patients all lived. A successful end to a long two nights.
   Maybe in time, I will have more focus for a career. I might want to study and make it more of a priority. Maybe in time, I will be the leader that my boss always asks me to become. Eventually, I will feel more confident as I work in these areas that I have chose. Eventually, I will leave working nights and switch to days....maybe when this time comes...I will know that everything was meant to be and I will know that I have done something good and it wasn't all about the money.