To renew foster care license or not???

Last June I placed our foster care license on hold  intending to just let it expire when the hold time ended. I was confident that this was the right decision to make. The contention and sadness that infertilitly and the returning of children had placed on me and the family was far too much to bear. I had to take a stand in order to take my life back and return to happiness. I decided to have my hysterectomy which secured the deal of ending the possibility of expanding our family. I had worked so hard for this. I gave sacrificed years of happiness in the pursuit of building the family that I always dreamed of. I started to forgive and decided that I could move forward....although I had know idea what forward was.

I have been truly happy and have no regrets about my hysterectomy. I have been keeping busy volunteering as Nathaniels swim team mom for the high school. I watch Axel on Fridays. And the holidays helped having family visiting for almost two months. I had pretty much forgot about our foster care license...or at least it was deep back in the memory.

Move forward to last week. Contact being made to see where we are with our license and seeing if we are ready to come back. I thought I had resolved this. I wanted the child issue to be resolved. I mean everyone who knows me, knows that if someone was to present us with a secure way of building our family that we (I)would not think twice. But this is my life and it does not go that way....easy and without trial. Now I have been thinking about returning to foster care or at least mentioning it to hubby. I am not quite so sure that this conversation would be a hit with him. Husband is happy with where we are. He is busy with work, his masters program and just trying to find some success in his life. So busy in fact that he hardly has time for us.

I am not at that place though. My son is older, doesn't need mom much and will be leaving the nest far too soon. Quite frankly, I am bored most of the time. Too much time on my hands. No real desire to throw myself into work and career. The only woman/mother I know that will be an empty nester at 40. Not sure if I would want to start a new family and not sure that I wouldn't do it all over again. Scared beyond belief to be left alone with my husband who I feel I hardly know half of the time anymore. Far to well aware that I married a man who is definately the opposite of me. Leaving me often wondering what we have in common. How we will move forward to that next phase together and if we will even survive.

Now I am to well aware that I am happy and do not want to sacrifice my happiness again. I am healthy and more knowledgable about my frailities. I have a couple of months to decide. But I do not want to dwell. I want my decision to feel natural. No more trying to force an issue that is soooo beyond obvious that I have never had control over.  I want this to just fall into place if it is meant to be.