Day 2- Disneyland

A group of tired big people at the end of the day

It had been a long time since i had been to disneyland without a little kid. the experience is just not quite the same...but needless to say four big people can have a great time! steve's dad had not been to see good old mickey in over 20 years. unfortunately, none of the characters were floating about on the day we went and the infamous small world was closed and under construction. the weather was not too hot and the crowds were on the smaller end. we were able to hit all the big rides and a few of the kiddie ones too. we ate great and played until larry and nathan were about to drop!

Vacation- day one in california

July 11, 2008

This was day one of our jammed packed summer vacation. Today was HOLLYWOOD day. We went to most of the trendy places to go....Manns Chinese Theatre, walk of fame, Egyptian theatre, a long walk up and down Hollywood blvd, and the world famous PINKS Hot Dogs (my verdict is still out on whether or not our 1hr wait to order was worth it). We ended the day driving up sunset blvd through Beverly hills down to the beach and home again.

fear in the wee hours of the night

I don't know what it is about the mind and the late night thoughts that intrude on relaxation. Or if it is just my fear of rejection one more time? It must have been the last week in may when I decided to take one more chance with foster care and attempting to hopefully have a success in completing our family. I knew we could not go back to the state as steves job somehow is a conflict of interest. I turned to Lutheran Social Services and after grilling the workers on if this would be possible to go through their agency and everything that we had already gone through...I decided to go for it one last time.



Luck was on our side with all the paperwork as they accepted most of our transferred file. All needed courses on parenthood could be completed on line....I felt like I could finally breathe. But now is when my nerves, fear of rejection and mind take over. We had our home study, Steve hit it off well and was in and out of there. Nathan in his interview said he was "indifferent" to the whole thing (after all CPS showed no respect for his feelings). Then it was my turn....i was questioned quite a bit about what had happened with CPS. No big deal one would say as we lost our license r/t employment and a letter saying we were in good standing. But then me being the emotional girl that i am decides to have tears in her eyes as she recalls the time with the sweet baby girls. Yikes! what if i said too much. What if i am veiwed as too emotional. Afterall, the one rule with foster care i learned was to pretend you don't really care. The caseworker reassured me on the way out that she understood my feelings and said not too worry about it and gave a timeline to follow.



A week went by and i spoke with the worker and apologized for my tears once again...and again she said not too worry that she liked to see that i am compassionate. I am however anxious to get that final approval letter to put my fears to ease. Unless you have dealt with this kind of trial (infertility, waiting too long to adopt through LDS and then being told that we could not do fc any longer) on attempting to build your family...one may not be able to comprehend my fear of the rejection that we have encountered.



I hope that heavenly father sees our attempts at creating a bigger family. The efforts and emotions the three of us (and many good friends) have experienced and blesses us with a happy end to this journey.

Married 17 years

on sunday we had our 17th anniversary. it feels entirely weird as i reflect and realize that i have been married the bulk of my adulthood. we did not do anything fancy, no going out to eat, no weekend trip, no gifts exchanged. in the past we have done at least one of the above mentioned. steve did say that he kind of forgot (regarding a gift), but i enlightened him that he had already promised that we could have a family picture taken soon (something both he and nathan are not thrilled about). and after the week we all had, everyone in different directions and steve driving to austin to bring me home...well that was enough for both of us this year.

i have to say that i really love steve and have moments in my life where we connect extra good. i have had a hard time the last couple of weeks in regards to going to church. i have good days and bad, but sometimes my life plans take over my emotions and l am left doing the woe is me. i had to leave church early sunday as this was one of those days. i could not stay any longer and look at all the beautiful children at church. i just fell into the mode of my life not being as planned. i am so grateful for the son that we do have...but it does not replace the longing and deep feeling that our family has never been completed. anyways, i came home with tears in my eyes as steve was surprised to see us so soon (he had to stay home for work). i briefly explained that i did not want to ruin the day by the one trial that has plagued our marriage. he new what i was talking about and took me in his arms and said well lets go make a baby then...i couldn't help but laugh since we both know it is not that simple. i made him take me shopping instead. i know...what sinners we are, but it distracted me for a bit.

steve and i have had plenty of good and more than our share of bad and rough patches together. we have grown up together and have helped each other grow. i am proud of the man he has become. steve cares deeply about his family and the community that he serves at work. i have learned many things from my husband as i believe he has learned a lot from me. we are opposites, but are able to balance each other out pretty well when we want. i continue to look forward to our lives together and the many adventures and (hopefully not too many more huge trials) to come. i just want to say that i love him deeply and that he is truly my best friend!

A week with the family all in different states

Nathaniel after a week of camping in Colorado. also another year older. He hit the big 15

Tim and Melissa in front of their new house

We are all back home for a crunch down before our big family vacation. The next week and a half will be busy recouping, working and packing for our trip to california and washington.

Last week, both nathan and I left steve for different destination. Nathan went to colorado for high adventure camp and I went to arizona to help melissa and tim westlake move into their new house. Nathan is full of stories to tell so if you should cross paths you might ask him. I was real nervous sending him this year as he made it known that he was not real thrilled. i though our huge money output would for sure be a waste with that kind of thinking. but the great thing about teenagers is that sometimes they need to be pushed and then they come home suprised themselves. the quick synapses of his week....fishing monday and eating the trout they caught. boring trip on the gondola to the top of mountain and back down to fish somemore. great mountain climbing on wed and suprising everyone that he did the best and on the expert mountain. thurs and friday were awesome with the rafting and taking level 5 rapids. chris colby has some great pictures and i will post some as soon as i can get some copies. Nathan turned 15 on tuesday june 24 while at camp. i was sad to not be with him on that day. we did a belated cake yesterday after church.

I arrived in hot, dry arizona on saturday also. we had a little drive through pheonix onto melissas home just outside of tuscon. tim cracked the whip pretty quick and had us moving which worked into sunday as well. it was hot and we would have rather played. my days feel like a blur at the moment as i arrived in AZ with a sorethroat and it progressed into a full blown summer cold. but our week went something like this. moving, painting her breakfast nook, living room and office ( with the main color still being iffy when i left). many trips to target, home depot, lowes and attempts at restaurants with this being an actual destination as nothing is really that close. ask melissa and she will confirm the time it takes. they live near a snowbird community and what is close typically closes early. they have adjusted well from what i can tell. our girl trip that we had hoped for was put on the back burner this year as plans changed. melissa and i have learned that this is just part of our lives. i had received a standby air ticket from her brother in law ( i am grateful for the ticket and our attempts to use it to the fullest). i got to AZ with no problem other than i had to have closed toe shoes to get on the plane and only had flip flops with me. luckily, i had caved into steves urging to get to the airport early. after getting my ticket we headed to the closest target for a cheap pair of shoes. back to the airport and no real wait. however, getting back turned into a bigger ordeal. the flights to come home were all booked, double booked with a list of stanbyers pretty long. we gave up our girl trip to attempt to make the one friday morning 6:20 am flight that was a possibility. unfortunately for me the flight that started off in tuscon the pilot did not show and the flight was to be missed. i could have tried for the same flight saturday but gave up the thought as i was ancy to get home. i was missing steve and nate and new that i had to return to work soon. i would have likely got on one of the planes over the weekend but chose not to wait and steve got me another air ticket home late friday night. the only catch was he had to retrieve me from austin.

all in all i would not change my week as adventure is the spice of life. it keeps me from becoming too boring. also, i loved seeing both melissa and tim and being able to help them move and start to paint. i am glad that nathan survived as some of his stories tell me he could have been seriously hurt. i am glad to be back home with both of my guys. sunday was a lazy day with a need to do a different posting. we generically celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary on sunday the 29th and look forward to the many more that will come!

weekend getaway with my hunny

Steve had a conference Saturday in San Antonio this past weekend and I was able to go along for the ride. this was a great perk as he works hard for little. Our time together was awesome. we were able to put our everyday worries aside and chat up a storm. Our first stop were the outlet stores in Round Rock (we both agreed that San Marcos would have been a little better), however, i had no problem spending some money. And for once it wasn't on me (as i have been on huge shopping spree for summer clothing). we actually did an experiment and drove all the way down at 60mph to see if the gas mileage would improve....we think we saved about 1/4 tank. not too bad for a gas guzzling suv. upon checking into the hotel which was located right on the river walk, we were greeted by a nice clerk who assumed it was our anniversary (1 month early) and said he would be sending a bottle of champagne and chocolate covered strawberries to our room. off to eat some good river walk tex mex and enjoy a nice walk. the night ended with the bottle of bubbly not getting opened, but both of us indulging in the wonderful strawberries :) unfortunately steve had to be up early the next morning while i got to enjoy the most comfortable bed. i lounged around until he ditched out of the conference for the day to really begin. we hit the local street fair, walked the alamo, then bought tickets to the mirror maze (overpriced but fun) and then we took in an imax flick. attempted to see the temple...but got there to late. some more mexican another walk around and then we were pretty much through. sadly, we had to leave sunday morning for the drive back to the reality of our daily lives. l must say that i really enjoyed my time spent with my hunny as these getaways a few. i realize how much i love him and enjoy spending time in his presence. thank goodness we have a scheduled family vacation in about six weeks. this should help pass the time of work and the hot summer that has set in.