my three sweet beauties

Kelsie, Miranda and Maddison
it is time for me to get over my hurt of the loss of these three sweet girls. the anger towards the system and very mean workers must exit my soul. therefore, i am making an entry dedicated to the time we shared. heavenly father sent these girls to us for a reason, whether the purpose was for them or us, we will not know until we meet again in the heavens. i am forever thankful for the memories created; even if they will never have a memory or thought of the times we shared. i will always wonder what they became and if their dreams were fulfilled. my mind is hopeful that i touched each of them in just the right way. i am hopeful that this chapter in my life was successful in its purpose. i would like to think this journey was just the beginning of something even better to come. i miss them and will always love these the little girls that came to our lives!

Nate all GQ

Nate all dressed up for his swim banquet tonight. I think he has some great taste in style and color!

Just Pondering

Today the sky was beautiful and the weather nice and i was able to enjoy nature as i worked in the yard. my mind was free for a short couple of hours from the trials life has dealt. I was able to see, if only for this time, that there is so much more life has to offer than the sorrow which i have felt. Nathan and I went to the store and bought a big ball and played outside like a couple of kids. how energetic i felt and (probably) embarrassed he was, but it was some great therapy for me. I have been so down in the dumps for days and am eagerly looking forward to many better days to come. I ended the day with a good phone conversation with a very special friend. Thank you M.

funeral

i felt bad for all my cousins and other relatives at the funeral. it was obvious that they had a great relationship with grandpa. he had a very important and active role in their lives. i on the other hand just took it all in. grandma and grandpa warr, were not very active in our lives. i knew they loved me...but for what ever reason...the relationship was different. i often thought that i imagined all this until about 2 years ago when grandpa came to texas. one day, nathaniel and i were taking grandpa to get lunch. during the conversation of the afternoon, grandpa proceeded to apologize to me for the past years of not spending with us and viewing us as different. i told him that it was okay and that i knew he loved me and the day went on.

i was able to reflect this past week of the memories that i do have. mostly consisting of holidays, but sweet they are. i have very little regrets on this part of my life. i believe blaine and leona are both back together happily in the heavens above.

as for the day, i really enjoyed seeing everyone and getting caught up on life. one might say that my uncle eric and i never left the table with all the food. as the evening wound down, some went to the movies and others went hot tubing. neither sounded like a good option as i had an hour drive back to my father in laws. i stayed behind and spent some time just chatting and listening to summer, porter, sidney and i think tanner talk about their lives and interests with school. we then an attempted a game of pictionary and off to riverside i went.

the rest of the weekend was just as nice. larry treated me to three great meals and pleasant conversation. i was able to see grandpa "whitey" squires and fran while watching a session of conference. i also spent a little time with my parents who were temporarily away from their mission site.

a safe plane trip home and now its back to the grind....hoping for no more funerals any time soon!

trying to come to terms of not having a second child

i have come to a chapter in my life that does not appear to have a happy ending....and i must say that this has been an extremely long chapter! it started many years ago with the desire to have another child. it first began with the realization of infertility and the trials of surgery, medications and the reality of the cost of innovative medicine without any guarantees. this lead to a five year wait with an adoption agency that gave us the boot for not being chosen. an emotional ride with a scammer birthmom from on line advertising. and discovering the path to foster care...having three beautiful baby girls coming to our lives and then leaving us because of some very wrongful decisions of judges. all this to wind up having our license revoked for caring too much per one insane/power hungry social worker.

i really do not know what to say as i have pondered this and am left almost speechless at times. my heart is full of anger and grief. i am so puzzled by these events that i almost do not know where to turn. this has been my journey, having hope and faith for some ten years now. i am having a hard time seeing life with a different path. i am listening to those who know me, as many have said when one door closes another one opens. i ask steve constantly to tell me what life will be like in four years as nathan may leave home? i have actually surprised myself at times thinking that life will be okay and looking forward to the next adventure that awaits steve and i. then in my quiet moments, usually at night or when i have nothing to do, my mind dreams of life without that daughter that we might have had. then there are sundays at church, cute pictures, or holidays that young children love all reminding me of what is not to be and this reality strikes again.

last week, i thought i was at terms with the whole issue and started taking down the nursery. tears pored from my eyes as i was reminded of my little miranda (maddison and kelsie too). miranda was every where in there...from the room colors that were chose, to panda bunny that was bought for her first easter, and the chalk board in the closet which read "mirandas room". i have been in the intermittent woe is me mode ever since. today, we skipped church so we could put all the baby stuff in the attic. i did not cry...as i just do not think there are any tears left. i was full of sadness for the again lost dream. puzzled by Steve's questioning to not throw some items out and the bewilderment that my life is to still go on....and i want it to be happy and filled without much regret for the decisions that were made.

as i reflect, i can not say that i have been the best mom there is. i can say that with the knowledge i had in my early years of motherhood, i did my best. i wish different choices had been made at times. as i sometimes see wasted moments and opportunities. i am glad for the knowledge of aging and seeing that mistakes can be changed. i am grateful for the awesome son that i am blessed with. nathaniel is very forgiving for my downfalls and loves me deeply. i probably expect a lot from him and brag about him a little too much at times....but what can i say...as he is my one and only.

forgive me for this extremely long entry, but this has been sitting hard on my heart for a very long time. i am hoping that writing down my feelings will help me heal and find peace with where i am and look forward to the chapters too come.