Food for thought with all the events going on in my life and household at this time.
I finished my second week at my new job. It has been refreshing going to a place of employment where there is no stress and or wondering of "what ifs" upon arriving home. People smile and chuckle....help one another out....and genuinely want to be there. This is something that I am not accustomed to. BUT getting used to quite well. I have actually adapted to getting up early better easier than I thought.
As I have become a "Target" or in other words "the next one on the firing list", at my hospital job (to which I have had for over five years now)....I feel nothing but anxiety looming in my chest at the thought of returning to fulfill my monthly commitment. How is one supposed to provide good care when she is so worried about who is watching and saying what. I am almost positive that I can not return at this time.
I have been so nervous about the gigantic paycut and less hours that I have now been working. Trying to remain positive as I ride out the storm for the next few months. As I begin to question my decision, the Lord makes it very apparent to me as to why I need to be here at this time.
My home life is full of dysfunction at this time. Many things that are completely out of my control. Leaving me feeling more than overwhelmed and at a loss to what I am supposed to do. Some parts of my life that are so full of hurt and concern that it runs into multiple areas of the home. I never imagined that I would be like a married-single mom. Enough said there.
Then there are the normal life changes that are difficult for almost any mom. A child that is just shy of adulthood and testing the waters to how far one will let him go. A young adult craving independence, but now making choices that show parental guidance and reminding is still needed. A kid caught between two very different parenting approaches and visibly struggling a bit by it now.
Approaching forty and not sure where I am quite headed. Trying to savor the moments of Nathans senior year and some of the new things that he has started doing. Wishing other areas of my life were like they were supposed to be. Full of concern and trying not to have too much regret.
Is my fortune something that is true?
Am I headed in the right direction?
Because I definitely don't know where I am going.